Over the last few weeks, I've seen dozens of first-day-of-school photos posted on social media by proud parents. No longer are pictures limited to beatific kindergartners with unicorn backpacks. Parents are badgering college students to text them first-day photos, leading to shots like the one I saw of a sour-faced University of Georgia senior holding a sign that explained, "My mother made me do this."
Children today lead well-documented lives, starting in their cribs with enthusiastic picture-taking and posting by their parents and then, as adolescents, revealing themselves on TikTok, YouTube, Instagram and Snapchat.
Children now have major benchmarks shared in public: first steps, first words, first days of school. But lives played out on social media hold risks as kids get older, from being canceled or even denied college admission because of their online missteps, and that increasingly worries parents.
U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy issued an advisory in May that social media could be harming young people's mental health, noting that 95 percent of teens use it. As author of the upcoming book "Growing Up in Public," Devorah Heitner delves into what it means to come of age with zero privacy and constant judgment.
In a telephone interview, Heitner said she often hears from fearful parents unsure of how closely they ought to oversee their child's online activities. With social media now a fixture, Heitner advises parents to guide their kids through the digital universe rather than attempt to lock them out of it.
"We can't just keep them out of digital communities. We want to mentor more than monitor," said Heitner, author of the 2016 book "Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World."
When parents complain to her that their children only go on social media for attention, Heitner responds that everyone on social media wants attention, and it's not weakness to yearn for affirmation, acceptance and likes.
"Kids need these skills for their future professional and personal success. Many of them will potentially meet their college roommates online and work colleagues online. They will have to email professors and bosses," said Heitner, who holds a doctorate in media, technology and society from Northwestern University.
Heitner recognizes that a double standard still exists where teen girls face greater stigma than boys for sending and requesting photos, saying, "Double standards are very real, and parents need to lean in to that and talk to their sons and their daughters."
She also acknowledges that "you can't prevent every dumb thing your kid is going to do." In some cases, parents may need to take cellphones from kids at night. But that isn't a workable approach for older teens who need to learn how to self-regulate and put down their phones, she said.
Heitner says kids have to respect boundaries themselves, and that includes asking permission before posting anything about their children.
She also criticizes the rush to vilify kids whose mistakes--racist comments, stupid videos--go viral. "I don't want to be an apologist, but kids should not be told at 12 or 14 that this mistake will be with you forever and you will never recover," she said. "If kids mess up in sixth grade, they should be held accountable in sixth grade. We don't want to live in a society where something someone says in sixth grade comes back years later."