There is a phrase I hear every now and then. It shows up around the time we pry a toddler from a jungle gym in clear contrast to her desire to stay on it and despite the threats and bribery directed her way. Or it comes when an infant stares straight into its parents eyes while dumping an entire plate of food on a once-clean carpet.
The phrase? "You're paying for your raising."
Usually, that phrase is directed at the parents of the toddler and/or infant engaged in minor-league rebellion or petty vandalism at the time. Its implication is that the adult toddler dislodger or soon-to-be carpet cleaner is placed in that role as a result of misbehavior during the parent's own childhood.
Shakespeare may have thought the sins of the father are to be laid upon the children, but this phrase suggests things sort of work in reverse.
I say I "hear" this phrase mostly because I don't say it. Not because the dislodgers/carpet cleaners didn't on occasion during their childhoods operate in such a manner as to have us searching the phone books for 24/7 exorcism services: "So, tell me, do you have to be Catholic to have an exorcism done? Because, frankly, at this point we're willing to convert ... "
No, I don't say "paying for your raising" to my now-adult children because, first of all, it's not possible. I mean, having an infant freak out at Christmas services doesn't make up for the time you set your sister's Barbies on fire. There is no "tit" for that "tat." And, secondly, it's not the truth. I know exactly who paid for their raising. In fact, I believe I still have the canceled checks.
So, I don't say it. In fact, I don't even think it, apparently putting me very much in the minority when it comes to grandparents assessing the child-rearing skills of their progeny and the need to "get that straightened out or you're going to have trouble later on."
Just a quick note: Yep, you will have trouble later on. And nothing you do now is going to change that, jungle gyms or hurled plates of food aside. Children will start talking at about 12 months, start walking between 8 to 18 months and potty train at the most inconvenient time. But they'll start pushing buttons and jerking chains from birth.
The reason I reject the "paying for your raising" mythology is the inherent implication that there is some degree of consistency and predictability to what children will do. That whatever you did as a child, they'll do at least the same, at roughly the same time. And I'm here to say, that's both not true and a good way to drive yourself mad.
Sleep well? Chances are your child will invite you to join him for a lovely 3 a.m. conversation that consists mainly of him crying uncontrollably any time you try to put him down and you'll wonder just how little sleep a grown person can get by on.
Walk early? Start working out because you might be lugging 25-ish pounds of cuteness around until she's good and ready to take meaningful steps. At which time she'll sprint away from you at grocery stores.
Or ... not. Because it's just as likely they'll do exactly what you did, but for vastly different reasons. Anything to drive you crazy enough to buy them a car at 16. They play the long game.
Children are not exact copies of their parents, despite the hours spent dissecting whose noses, eyes, forehead, ear lobes, etc., they have. And that's both a good thing and a bad thing.
And while you can't turn them into little versions of yourself, it's likely they can turn you into younger versions of your parents. Let that soak in for a bit.
It is possible, at some point in their raising, you're going to fall back on your parents' old tricks. Like, for instance, the elasticity of time (the "five minutes" you had before bedtime became 30 while they coaxed, prodded and cajoled you into actually getting into bed) or quick lessons in fractions ("I'm going to count to five. One ... one and a half ... ").
Whatever the case and whatever the check, you're paying it now. Just for your kid's raising. Not yours.