In these troubled times I more frequently find myself turning from the sublime (or, in most cases, the horrific) to the ridiculous when it comes to TV watching.
Specifically, I'm hooked on "House Hunters International."
For those who don't spend a lot of time on events that don't involve potential world war, attempts to overthrow the government or a still-raging plague, "House Hunters International" is a sort-of reality show where people decide to leave their current locale for some likely more exotic place. "Exotic" being used loosely.
Normally that's a pretty straightforward endeavor, but periodically the show focuses on some innocents abroad who have, say, challenges ahead of them. For example:
Juniper, one of the Innocents Abroad: "Hi, I'm Juniper and this is my life-partner and soul mate Lars. I'm a professional cat-walker and he's a mime. We're moving to ... somewhere. I'm not quite sure where because we threw a dart at a map and the third time we actually hit the map but we can't pronounce the name of the place, so ... here we are.
"We've been working really hard and saving all our earnings for the past few years so our budget is $1.67 a month and I wasn't quite sure what we'd do the second month except our parents volunteered to help if it meant we moved, so we can spend I think they said 'whatever it takes' to get us to ... wherever this is."
Ron, the American Realtor: "Hello, I'm Ron the American Realtor, because whatever godforsaken part of the world people want to move to, there's always an American selling real estate there. Apparently Juniper and Lars have some very specific requests. Juniper wants three bedrooms (not four, because Lars gets lost easily) located away from people but close to the city center on the beach but in the mountains with a massive kitchen even though neither of them cook or are allowed around hot things or open flame. And Lars wants a moat. And an office for his work. As a mime.
"Property values in this particular godforsaken place have really taken off since the toxic waste dump opened, so it might be a challenge to find something in their price range, but having spent some time with these two, I can understand their parents' 'whatever it takes' comment, so I think I can help them. In a real estate sense. The rest ... yeah, well, good luck with that.
"Juniper, Lars, here's House No. 1."
Lars: "The ceiling is really dark ... "
Ron: "That's because it's nighttime and we're outside, Galileo. But it has a moat and I think the neighbors would be really happy about that. Good thing about moats is they keep as many things in as out ...
"And here's House No. 2. Everything you wanted plus an active volcano in the back yard, so ... cookouts!"
Lars: "I like the door knobs."
Ron: "And that's why mimes don't speak.
"House No. 3 used to belong to a drug cartel kingpin, but he doesn't live here (or anywhere else) anymore. Note the bomb shelter, gun placements and live sharks in the pool. Apparently he didn't have any problems feeding those, but, might be a challenge for you all.
"Also, lots of room for your pets. If they can escape the wild animals from the former owner's private zoo."
Juniper: "We don't have any pets. I'm allergic to animals."
Ron: "But I thought you were a cat-walker ... never mind. Also, a potential drawback – Google hasn't updated the info about this house's former occupant, so, you might potentially get the random visit from a Death Squad. They'll be easy to differentiate from DoorDash."
Lars: I don't like the door knobs."
Ron: "That's because those are sliding doors, Lars. Here's an invisible rope. Go pull on it or tie yourself to an imaginary chair or something.
"So, Juniper, because you're the brains of this duo, such as it is and more's the pity, what have you all decided on?"
Juniper: "We're going to take House No. 1, mostly because we can't remember any of them and 1 is the first number we come to."
Ron: "Well, mathematically true and as obviously well-thought-out a plan as most of yours, apparently. Congratulations and let's make sure your parents know where to send the commission check."
Announcer: "And that's our show for today. Join us next time when a professional meditator and a sock-puppet knitter decide to chuck all the stress of their current lives and relocate to sunny Antarctica, where an American Realtor is eager to help them find a perfect beachfront home."