Today's Paper Obituaries Newsletters High School Sports Home Style NWADG News Quiz Crime Razorback Sports Today's Photos Puzzles
ADVERTISEMENT

Through the year, I eat my way

from holiday to holiday.

When Auld Lang Syne comes round once more,

I vow to change from the year before.

"Fewer sweets and less butter!

No more salt!" I hear myself utter.

"Leafy greens and fruits a'plenty.

Come summertime, I'll slim down twenty!"

Then Super Bowl Sunday hits TV screens

and I'm shoveling in cheese dip with chili and beans

"I'll do better," I promise myself.

"More yoga and running and less everything else!"

Next thing I know, stores are stocked

with Valentine candy and chocolates boxed.

Love notes sent with heart-shaped Reese's

to pear-shaped bodies with pre-diabetes.

St. Patrick's Day flows with steins of green beer.

Easter bunnies taunt with Cadbury ears.

Memorial Day potlucks, Independence Day brauts,

By Labor Day, my innards are tied in knots.

Then comes the trifecta for intestinal fortitude --

the autumnal epitome of high-processed food.

Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas descend.

"That's it, this caloric merriment must end!"

So I purchased a DVD workout set

"Dance with Julianne" for a cardio sweat.

I like to dance, so how hard can it be?

It's ballroom and jazz, a little swing, let's see...

Bold on the box: "No experience required."

Good, 'cause just unwrapping it, I'm tired.

I insert the disc, press the button for play

and start off strong, a little samba and sway.

This is nice, here at home, I can learn as I go.

Wow, she's limber and clearly a pro.

And at half my age, it's easy to see,

she's not breaking a sweat ... can't say that for me.

She adds a new step with each passing round

Must she go so fast, why can't she slow down?

And what's wrong with her hips that they move like that?

She folds faster than Granny's hairnet.

Where's the remote? I'll rewind a bit

and find the steps I seem to omit.

Left, right, left, twist, twist, turn, turn.

I couldn't move like that if I were scattered from an urn.

Out with the old, in with the new?

Well, screw it, I'm eating a doughnut or two!

I've had all this dancing pro I can take.

I'm ringing in the year with Trapper John and cupcakes.

And holiday feasts, I'll dare not boycott

lest those old acquaintances be forgot,

like black eyed peas and bacon rind --

What a shame if they're never brought to mind.

So if through the year, I eat my way

from holiday to holiday,

so be it, I'll not indulge regret.

I'll enjoy a second cup of kindness yet.

From my table to yours, as the old year ends

I wish peace to you, your family and friends,

And a solemn vow that you each may know

many holidays together with a good meal in tow.

NAN Our Town on 01/02/2020

Print Headline: New Year's resolution gone awry

Sponsor Content

Comments

COMMENTS - It looks like you're using Internet Explorer, which isn't compatible with our commenting system. You can join the discussion by using another browser, like Firefox or Google Chrome.
It looks like you're using Microsoft Edge. Our commenting system is more compatible with Firefox and Google Chrome.
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT