LITTLE ROCK — Dear Otus,
We are life-long vegans who moved up here near Eureka Springs in 1974 for the tranquility and progressive spiritual ambience.
Now, each fall the hills sound like a war zone as hunters “harvest” Gaia’s children. We’re afraid to leave our cabin for weeks.
And now there’s a constitutional amendment up for a vote guaranteeing the right to hunt? We don’t wish to seem judgmental, but we fear a day of wrath is coming where all will have to answer for this transgression.
- Judy Conti, Ray Sponsura Middle Earth Sent from my iPad
Dear Judy and Ray,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you, but you have judged and thus I respond.
And by the way, I note that while you are growing okra and digging crystals up there in the Shire, you haven’t eschewed modern technology since your email was sent from an iPad.
It is true, Arkansans from across this great state will go to the polls Nov. 2 to decide the most important issues of the day. This includes the distasteful butnecessary duty of replacing all Democrat incumbents with Republicans (except Gov. Beebe, who is doing a bang-up job).
There is no more important decision to be addressed than Ballot Issue No. 1 - the God-given right of Arkansans to hunt, fish, trap and harvest wildlife.
Opponents have attempted to misconstrue the measure as “a frivolous, do-nothing amendment designed to placate redneck yahoos and intransigent troglodytes.”
Well, Judy and Ray, this country was built by redneck yahoos and intransigent troglodytes. Just ask the Brits.
Issue No. 1 is a measure designed to counter a disturbing trend that places the entire state in cultural, economic and ecological peril the likes of which we haven’t seen since the dolorous days of Reconstructionwhen Yankee carpetbaggers disarmed the populace.
Ten prescient states already provide their citizens these inalienable rights. The states include neighboringLouisiana and Oklahoma - forward-thinking citizens who have constitutionally ensured no tree-hugging, knee-jerk, hemp-wearing PETA wackos will soil theintentions of our Founding Fathers.
It shames and embarrasses me that such a ballot measure is considered necessary here. But don’t take my word for it, listen to the wisdom of Rex Maiestatis of Keo. He’s the chairman of the national hunting rights lobby SUSU. The acronymous name is not only a litigation threat, it also stands for the group’s pro-sylvan Latin motto, Semper Ubi Sub Ubi.
In the current SUSU television ad campaign, Maiestatis is shown in the deer woods wearing full camouflage and holding a Remington Model 700 Sendero SF II.
“Thanks to the free-love hippie dope smokers of the 1960s and ’70s,” he says, “America has raised a couple of generations of lazy, sissified, lily-livered mama’s boys who grew up playing Zelda and Halo, weeping to Sarah McLachlan, talking about their feelings and driving Japanese hybrid cars. It makes me sick.”
Maiestatis shifts his rifle to his other arm and picks up a steel coil-spring offset leg trap.
“It makes me sick thatkids are growing up in this country who have never hunted or fished or trapped their own supper. What will they do when the zombie apocalypse hits and all the burger joints close down?”
Maiestatis goes on to urge all right-thinking citizens to vote for Ballot Issue No. 1.
Most proponents realize that the state’s hunters are the last line of defense against the insidious deer invasion that has threatened populated areas since 1987.
Evidence now exists that due to genetic mutations, deer are becoming increasingly sentient and organized. Some have even mastered rudimentary weapons. One eight-point buck was recently killed near Clinton while wearing the garb of a missing bow hunter from Fairfield Bay. That’s not all that far from the Shire.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you to sign the petition to guarantee the right to golf and bowl.
Disclaimer:
Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail:
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