I'm not gonna lie here. Over the years I've watched a fair share of those "Man Vs. Wild" videos, and I felt like I was pretty checked out on the potential worst-case scenarios if all that stuff "out there" turned on me. So when Nature attacked, well, I was expecting a little bit more.
Maybe I shouldn't tempt fate here, but frankly, I was figuring on something of a little grander, potentially more Biblical scale. You know, locusts. Frogs. Cats and dogs living together ... wait, that's "Ghostbusters," not the Old Testament. Anyway, just, more.
OK, backstory. As I've mentioned before, there's a really fine line between "urban" and "rural" in most parts of Northwest Arkansas. In my case, that line is what most people call a fence, and it runs at the end of my backyard.
We're somewhat used to coming into daily contact with Mother Nature around here. In fact, we can often just lean over the fence and say, "hey." And I personally have starred in a remake of Kevin Costner's "Dances with Wolves," entitled "Runs Screaming When He Realizes That Was a Coyote and Not a Dog crossing the Street." I think that went straight to cable.
But this spring we've gotten a terrible reminder of just how powerless we are in the face of an awesome display of Nature's wrath -- ants and a robin. It doesn't seem like much only if it's not happening to you.
First, it was the ants. Lots of them. All over the cabinets, all over the tables and the sinks, and, well, everything. Apparently, a combination of erratic temperatures and rain has caused them to seek higher, warmer ground. Which, in this case, is our kitchen.
One thing I will say about ants, proximity is not their friend. In theory, we love ants. We laud their industriousness, sing praises to their teamwork and tell fables about how hard-working they are. Have them show up on your kitchen counter and it's "Diediedie, you multi-legged devils!!!!"
Once the toxic cloud of bug spray settled and the ants got the idea that maybe it was time for them to go, we thought our less-than-positive interactions with the frankly not-all-that-great outdoors were at an end. That's when we heard a knock at the door. It was Nature. Or, specifically, a robin.
So, a few things I didn't know about robins. For one, right now is their mating season. And if that wasn't too much information for you, apparently robins are actually very aggressive birds. Which really came as a surprise, because they seemed so nice in those children's books. But then, so did the ants.
Anyway, when it comes to mating, for robins, a big territory is the equivalent of a sports car and a pinkie ring. And male robins are willing to fight other robins, birds, animals and reflections of themselves in window glass to keep that territory.
The window glass is where the Smith Bird Sanctuary and Ant Farm came in. For two straight days, an Angry Bird slammed head-first into the glass panels beside our front door because he thought his reflection was another of his kind. Which is to say, mean and stupid. He also spent a great deal of time going to the bathroom. So, basically, he was knocking the ... yeah, whatever .... out of himself.
The Lovely Mrs. Smith, again after consulting the Oracle of All Knowledge and not a little wild rumor and innuendo, concluded we need to put things on the windows to break up the reflect. Or, apparently make our house so ugly the bird would get embarrassed and leave. Which explains (sort of) the Jackson Pollock crazy quilt of newspaper and blue tape we decorated with over the weekend.
Did it help? Not at all. Our bird was an aviary version of a drunk at a bar, wanting to "fight all of ya, every one of ya." At least he was until we gave up on the newspaper, tape, rocks, toy lizards and snakes and all the other stuff we tried and went with red pepper on the window sill. No idea why that worked. But apparently, it did.
So, it appears that, through science, chemistry and a current trend toward somewhat exotic seasoning, we have once more beaten back the forces of Nature. At least that's what I thought until I glanced over our infinitely jumpable fence and saw a couple of cows staring into our back yard with a look that said, "You know, that trampoline looks like it would be fun."
It's going to be a long summer.
Commentary on 04/20/2018