Gary Smith: A familiar Bond

And if none of this works, just restart

Posted: April 21, 2017 at 1 a.m.

What Bond movies would look like if things worked for him like they work for us:

Bond, speaking in a super small, really cool microphone headset: "All right, I've snuck into the secret submarine base, dispatched about a dozen guards without anyone noticing (apparently someone is willing to believe they were all on break), scaled the side of a building with my bare toes and lowered myself by an incredibly thin but strong cable to just over the computer that controls this entire evil apparatus. Now, M, what do I do next?"

Voice on the other end of whatever passes for a line when you talk into a super small, really ... ya, ya, ya: "M's not here. Something about having to meet the cable guy and not being quite sure if he was going to come closer to noon or to 5. I'm his fill-in, L."

Bond: "Why L?"

L: "No idea. It's what he calls me, then does that thing with his thumb and forefinger on his forehead. Anywho, like I used to say when I worked in Customer Service, how can I help you?"

Bond: "I'm hanging here above this computer that controls the fate of the Free World. What do I do next?

L: "Other than try to explain how some terrorist mastermind has built an entire impenetrable military complex to safeguard his secrets and then left the laptop that controls it all on a table just below a person-sized air conditioner shaft? Or, why you're hanging there instead of just walking through the door?"

Bond: "Suspense? You know, it's a Bond movie so bad puns are kind of part of the deal. No, what do I do to break into the computer and steal all the critical secrets?"

L: "Well that depends. What kind of computer is it?"

Bond: "I don't know. It says 'Evil Mastermind' on the back."

L: Is it the 'Evil Mastermind 2000' or the 'Evil Mastermind 3000'?"

Bond: "What difference does it make?"

L: "The 3000 has a memory capable of launching destruction across several more continents, shutting down all defense systems and destroying our satellites. Also, it has lots better graphics for game playing."

Bond: "I don't know; it doesn't say. How am I supposed to know?"

L: "Do you see the Owner's Manual anywhere? You know, people really ought to keep those. If not, you'll have to unscrew the plate in the back and decipher the product description, which will be written backwards in Cyrillic. Or, just hit the power button. They both work the same. "

Bond: "So why did you make me go through all that?"

L: "Cruel geek joke. Now, just type in the super-secret password hundreds of agents gave their lives for, insert the thumb drive and we'll start downloading all the critical, important data."

Bond: "Problem. It wants to know if I want to update the system..."

L: "DON'T SAY 'YES'!"

Bond: "Ahhh...about that..."

L: "Great. This could take an hour."

Bond: "The screen says 10 minutes."

L: "And my resume says I helped Al Gore invent the Internet. You know, a lot of things you read on computer screens might not exactly be true ..."

Later that day...

Bond: "OK, the little thingee has quit spinning, it's updated and I'm in. Now, what do I do?"

L: "We have to find the file that has all the super-secret information in it ..."

Bond: "Pictures of kittens! He's got pictures of kittens! I love pictures of kittens!"

L: "Bond! Concentrate! You've got to meticulously search all the files for his evil plans ..."

Bond: "Found them. In the folder marked 'Cute Fuzzy Kittens and Evil Plans for World Domination.'"

L: "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Now, hurry and download! According to that weird computer thing that shows a bunch of lines like a blueprint, lots of white dots are closing in on you. Either that, or I'm still playing PacMan."

Bond: "It won't download! Says I'm out of memory and need to delete some pictures! We're doomed! The North Koreans will be able to launch their missile!"

L: "North Korea? In that case, don't worry about it. I think they get their missile plans from Acme. They either blow up on the launch pad or drop over into the ocean. We're in the clear."

Bond: "So we're out of danger?"

L: "Well, we're fine. You on the other hand are hanging from the ceiling by a cord and the North Korean army is closing in on you. And Bond, there is one thing about the capitalist western world they do understand."

Bond: "What's that?"

L: "They know what a piñata is."

Commentary on 04/21/2017