The holidays will take you to some strange places and have you doing some odd things you just never saw yourself doing. Christmas tree farms. Camel rides. Halfway up a chimney to prove it could, too, be done (bet with older brother, long story, maybe later).
The other day, the holidays found me in a large chain organic grocery store. All in all, I'd rather have been up the chimney.
Before anybody takes this an a indictment of the previously (barely) mentioned large chain organic grocery store, it's important to point out that I'd rather be upside down in the chimney than go to just about any grocery store at any time ever. Ever. Ever.
I don't really like crowds, all the labels confuse me and I have a phobia of wobbly cart wheels. About two thirds of the store is dedicated to things I don't like to do, namely clean stuff or cook. And by the time I do get somewhere I want to be (like, any place with sight lines on a TV showing an athletic event of any type), I've got ice cream melting, so I can't stay.
However, the Lovely Mrs. Smith decided this particular store was somewhere we needed to be, because it would be "fun." And since, after 31 years of marriage last Tuesday, I've learned that her idea of "fun" and mine tend to be different, but in most cases, hers is correct, I went along.
OK, so I know we've talked about shopping a lot together lately. However, tis the season, and it beats reading "then the family all settled down with hot chocolate and talked." Though describing our full-contact, no holds barred Gingerbread House-decorating contests (too competitive, maybe? Probably) is fodder for another time.
And that's why I found myself in a veritable canyon of gastronomical correctness between rows of Fair Trade coffee in hand-stitched sacks and grain(ish,er)s of a Thousand Lands that I did not recognize and could not pronounce (apparently, when in doubt about what to call something, the Ancients decided to start with the letter "Q.").
A note here: Is being the food stuff of ancient civilizations that have since vanished really less a feature and more a flaw? I mean, maybe the muffins made them more irresistible to jaguars? Apparently, the food of people who want to stick around for a while is next door. In the Slim Jim aisle.
Now given the size of this baby, you might confuse the particular chain in question for any old mega-outlet grocery chain. When in doubt, just check out the magazines at the checkout line. If they all tout Mindfulness, Clarity and Yoga ... yep. You're in Granola R Us.
The advantage, of course, is that instead of finding out how Hillary's adopted space alien baby was doing these days, you can learn how to do the Downward Dog. Not that either is a particularly useful trick.
Actually, when it comes to the soul of this place, there appears to be a bit of a war (and not just between the people who judge me because I'm carrying an extra-large, planet-killing Styrofoam cup, those who think I should be drinking water instead of a some soda and those who recoil in horror that it's diet and not flavored with nature sugar.).
No, there seems to be some "Game of Thrones" action between the Vegans, those who want any and all additives, preservatives and taste removed from their food, and the final group who want everything made from completely natural ingredients processed the way their ancestors did, at least until they dropped over from the effort it took to do so or the effects of somewhat slapdash food handling guidelines.
It kind of makes you want to grab some all-natural, popped-by-the-sun's-own-warming-rays popcorn, pull up a yak-skin beanbag and watch!
Now lest I appear too negative (that's a "tis" and a "lest" in the same column: Jane Austen would be so proud), it was not an unpleasant experience. In a sun-dried, naturally seasoned-with-locally-sourced-honey and farm-to-table grown way.
I did, however, notice an energy drink that was kosher, gluten-, dairy- and nut-free with no additives, preservatives, dyes or flavoring of any kind.
Which makes you wonder if it isn't possible to be a little too specific in your marketing. Just a thought...
Commentary on 12/23/2016