For those who can't get enough of the faux romance and manufactured drama of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, there's always Bachelor in Paradise.
Season 3 of this further milking of the ABC cash cow franchise debuts from 7 to 9 p.m. today and carries on over six weeks.
I love how one critic labeled the show "kind of like the drunker, less buttoned-up little brother of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette."
ABC notes "both fan-favorites and characters who caused controversy" from those two series will be plopped down for 18 days "in a secluded paradise to try to leave their wounded hearts behind as they take another shot at finding love" and "explore new relationships and see if summer flings will turn into something more. Or if their hearts will be shattered yet again."
Shattered hearts? That's bombastic hyperbole. More realistically, Paradise is a bunch of pretty narcissists with time on their hands attempting to pad their paid vacations and 15 minutes of fame.
ABC adds, "The pursuit of a potential happily-ever-after is sure to include shocking twists, unexpected guests, unlikely pairings and other surprises."
It's all vapid summer fantasy escapism. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Maybe we all could use some vicarious seaside thrills since we'll probably never make it to the Playa Escondida resort (the same location as last season) in Sayulita, Mexico, 25 miles northwest of Puerto Vallarta.
And we'll certainly never make it there with a gaggle of gorgeous gals and six-packed hunks oozing pheromones.
In tonight's opening episode, the cast arrives one by one to chat with host Chris Harrison and be introduced. Once all are on hand, they will live together in luxurious surroundings and share exotic dates.
Each week, the relationships will be put to the test as new contestants are introduced into the mix. At the end of each week, a rose ceremony will be held "where uncoupled contestants will be cast out of Paradise."
Cast. Out. Oh, the shame.
For devoted fans of The Bachelor and Bachelorette there will be enough familiar faces to keep them happy. Included are a half dozen rejects from Ben Higgins' Bachelor season and four from JoJo Fletcher's Bachelorette stint. Here's the initial 16 from ABC. There will be 14 others arriving as the weeks pass by.
The first returnees are: Jared Haibon, 27; twins Emily and Haley Ferguson, 23; Leah Block, 25; Lace Morris, 25; Amanda Stanton, 26; Jubilee Sharpe, 25; Sarah Herron, 29; Carly Waddell, 29; Isabel "Izzy" Goodkind, 25; Daniel Maguire, 31; Evan Bass, 33; Grant Kemp, 28; two-time rejectee Nick Viall, 35; Vinny Ventiera, 28; and everybody's favorite villain, Chad Johnson, 28.
On occasion, the cast members do find what appears to be true love. There have been a handful of successful marriages from the franchise over the years, including the grand old married couple, Ryan Sutter and Trista Rehn Sutter, who got hitched 12 years ago on live TV (and were paid $1 million for it).
In addition, last season on Bachelor in Paradise, Jade Roper and Tanner Tolbert fell in deep, deep, showmance, actually got engaged on the season finale, and hitched Jan. 24 on the beach in front of a gathering of teary-eyed Bachelor and Bachelorette veterans.
Milking that cow once more, ABC aired their wedding on Valentine's Day with Harrison officiating. That's right, Harrison is a bonafide Universal Life Church minister. You can be one, too. It's "fast, free and easy" to apply online at themonastery.org.
• Country music. ABC switches things up Wednesday with CMA Music Festival: Country's Night to Rock filling all of prime time from 7 to 10 p.m.
Highlights of the four-day festival will feature a variety of country music stars. Scheduled performers include Jason Aldean, Dierks Bentley, Luke Bryan, Eric Church, Brett Eldredge, Florida Georgia Line, Miranda Lambert, Little Big Town, Thomas Rhett and Rascal Flatts.
• Ghost Hunters, 8 p.m. Wednesday on Syfy. Season 11 kicks off with "All Aboard the Ghost Train." In Cleveland, TAPS investigates a historic roadhouse and rail yard "with remnants of a serial killer and a horrific train crash."
• Paranormal Witness, 9 p.m. Wednesday on Syfy. "Voodoo Preacher" is the first episode of Season 5. In it, writer Jenny Scott follows in the footsteps of author Harper Lee, who once traveled to Alabama to research a mysterious preacher accused of murder.
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Style on 08/02/2016