To quote from "Be Thankful for What You Got," the 1974 R&B hit by William DeVaughn, I do not drive a great big Cadillac ... gangsta whitewalls, TV antennas in the back.
But there is plenty I was thankful for this Thanksgiving: God, husband/family, a reasonable portion of health, food, clothing, shelter and not being compelled to Black Friday shop. And after perusing the less tragic among the November headlines, I find myself to be thankful for a few extra things.
Such as:
• To not be Donald Trump's personal assistant, hairdresser, speechwriter or shrink.
• To not have actually been a drunken sailor, bringing an old song to life as did the drunk Russian sailor who crashed a 7,000-ton ship into the coast of Scotland -- at full speed.
• That I never, ever yearned to become a political debate planner, moderator or participant.
• That the presidential election will, as of Dec. 8, be a mere 11 months away.
• To not live anyplace where the spiders, for whatever reason, have gotten so bad that there's a dang half-mile-long web blanketing the neighborhood.
• That we can still take baths around here ... thankfulness prompted by King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden's recent "lighthearted" suggestion that bathtubs should be banned in the fight against global warming.
• That we can still take showers, too.
• That my name, often mangled, at least doesn't have a spelling similar to cuss words. Advice to the young man of Vietnamese heritage whose name is pronounced "Phoo Da Bic": Change your name to something less controversial, like Trout Fishing in America.
• To know that if I ever want to get away from it all, I can duck into a trusty Internet cafe, like the chick in China who was missing for 10 years -- and was finally found living in one.
• To know that beauty can truly be in the eye of the beholder, as proved by the case of the winner of Zimbabwe's recent "Mr. Ugly" contest being criticized for being "too handsome" by the outraged reigning champion. "I am naturally ugly. He is not. He is ugly only when he opens his mouth," William Masvinu protested, referring to winner Mison Sere's missing teeth.
• That as much as I love food, I don't love Mexican pork tamales -- or any other delicacy -- enough to be fined $1,000 for trying to smuggle them into the country illegally.
• For ants. Yes, I'm thankful for ants. Thankful for there being a far bigger chance of them crashing my picnic than a food-hunting alligator, as happened to a student on a Florida lakeside.
• That at Taco Bell in Walnut Creek, Calif., I can be considered somebody ... as evidenced by the valet parking now available. (The bad part: the expected tip might outpace the cost of the meal.)
• To see that even a mere turkey knows who its refuge and fortress is, as in the case of the wild gobbler who "on an apparent mission to avoid the Thanksgiving dinner table was photographed trying to get into a Florida church in its search for sanctuary," according to a blurb at UPI.com.
• Speaking of wild turkeys: To have a bunch of them teach us how to be like kick-rear bosses, like the flock of them that took over a yard in a Denver suburb days before Thanksgiving.
• For crooks who operate with their clothes on, unlike the nude dude who broke into a massage parlor in San Diego and stole T-shirts and lotion. And unlike the women who stripped outside of an English pub.
• The colorful way the British can put things. According to the mirror.co.uk story about the two pub exhibitionists: "One of the women shows off her bra before pulling down her knickers and flashing her bum."
• That I'm just fine with regular Kit Kat bars, which means I can save money. Nestle Japan is selling gold-covered edible versions for $16.
• That in a world with so many scary things going on, the theater of the ridiculous soldiers on.
"Just be thaaaankful for what (email capabilities) you got":
Style on 11/29/2015