So a lady takes a selfie with a buffalo.
OK, you're waiting for a punch line here, aren't you? Well, that's it. I mean, seriously how much more do you need? A grown woman thought it would be a fine idea to get so close to a fully-functioning, awake and upright buffalo that she could actually get both herself and the animal in a picture at the same time.
Apparently, the buffalo in question was either particularly camera-shy or, just basically your standard buffalo. Which is to say it elected to play a quick game of "Let's Stomp the Tourist."
In case you were wondering, in a contest between buffalo and unarmed person, the buffalo generally wins.
The incident took place earlier this month at Yellowstone National Park when a visitor from Mississippi and her 6-year-old daughter decided to get a picture with an animal roughly the size of an SUV, with horns.
Remember when, while taking notice of our abysmal standing on some study, we used to say "thank God for Mississippi?" Yep, one more thing.
It is possible we're being a little harsh here. After all, this is just the latest of five incidents this year alone where a visitor to Yellowstone decided a 2,000-pound freight train of an animal with a reputation for general crankiness just needs a hug. Or at least is going to stand still when you walk up to it.
Apparently the latest recipient of a full-body bison massage was about six yards from the beast in question with her back turned to him (wow, this just gets better and better) when she realized that sound she heard wasn't him snorting "cheese." She tried to run for it, but the buffalo caught up with her and tossed her into the air.
Ya, strangely enough, you need a little bit more than a six-yard head start on something that runs about 30 miles an hour.
Thankfully, the woman was treated and released with minor injuries to her body and psychic cast for her severely sprained pride. She also took with her the certain knowledge that not a reunion, Thanksgiving dinner, christening or funeral in her family will go by without her having to tell the story of how she got bug-splattered by a buffalo again.
"So tell me, Marge, what exactly did you think the buffalo was going to do when you got so close there wasn't even a first down's worth of distance between you?"
Now, of course, this is something of a cautionary tale. After all, between the sharks in North Carolina, the alligator in Texas and the buffalo in Yellowstone, 2015 has sort of turned into a summer-long episode of "When Nature Attacks."
Hint: In virtually all of these cases, nature is winning. No fair resorting to global warming to get even.
The aforementioned buffalo lady said she was sort of operating under the theory that what she was doing wasn't such a good idea. However, she decided it was all right because there were lots of people around.
Of course. Because bad things never happen to large groups of people. And because, apparently, charging buffalo don't know how to operate in a target-rich environment.
Which leads one to believe that either our "victim" has more confidence in the "safety in numbers" theory than she should have, or she was at Yellowstone during "Dumb Visitors Who Walk Up to Buffalo" week. I'm sure you've seen the T-shirt.
But enough of kicking her when she's down. Particularly since it appears the buffalo already has.
And, if I might be so bold, enough of the practice of engaging in uproariously dangerous activity simply to get a picture of yourself.
Seriously, if you think the whole buffalo selfie deal is bad/scary, try Googling "Selfie Injuries."
There you'll read all sorts of accounts of people who fell from great heights, had motorbike wrecks or accidentally shot themselves while taking pictures of ... basically, themselves.
In fact, that model of progressive thinking and concern, the government of Russia, has even issued a series of directions for "Selfie Safety" after more than 100 injuries and several deaths have been attributed to people taking pictures of themselves while doing something dangerous.
The campaign uses simple graphics to illustrate reminders that, among other things, it's not a good idea to take a selfie in front of a moving train.
Let's pause for a minute and remind ourselves that these people have the bomb.
I have, in fact, viewed many of the graphics, which certainly cover a wide range of very legitimate risks associated with selfies. However, while they mentioned not taking pictures with wild animals in general, they did leave out specifics threats. Like buffalo.
So, allow me to enlighten you. It's a bad idea to take a selfie with a buffalo. They will absolutely, under no circumstances, suck in their cheeks and do the fish lips thing. And they don't wink.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Commentary on 07/31/2015