Remember a few weeks ago when I was on my semi-annual rant about how much I hate winter and you were just shaking your head and muttering about what a softie I am?
So, how you feeling now?
I mean, you had to know right? Last week, when you were cracking out the cargo shorts and heading down to Fayetteville for a baseball game in shirt sleeves you had to have a pretty good idea the weather gods were just messing with you, right?
However, since I'm a "glass half full" guy, I've determined this recent patch of bad weather is actually an opportunity for self-improvement. Or day drinking (more of that "glass half full" thing), but probably, self-improvement. To that end, I've actually learned the meanings of several words. For instance:
Technology -- it's all that cool information-y stuff that doesn't work when you need it to -- like, when you're snowed in and you have to "home office." Or, worse, does work, then doesn't work, then works again, but, no, it's not working but, hey, maybe it is, but no, it's not, but then it is ...
Incredulity -- the look on your dog's face when you try to get it to "go" outside in 5 degrees. Because you wouldn't be inclined to hold it if that was your only option?
Schadenfreude -- taking delight in the misfortune of others. Like the misfortune of those in another part of the country who get buried under several feet of snow while you bask in completely-out-of-the-ordinary warmth.
Just deserts -- definitely not cheesecake. Unless it's that new "sleet followed by snow, topped off by dropping temperatures that lock you in your house for days" variety. With strawberries. And a sneaking suspicion that, maybe, you shouldn't have been quite as amused by those snow storms in New England.
Panic -- Can't get to the store, so it's a good thing we've got everything we need, except, wait, there's no coffee. There's no coffee? As in, it's all gone? Like, gone? Really? Gone? All of it?
Superiority -- the feeling you get when you look outside and see your neighbor struggling to shovel off the driveway you know is going to be cleared by Mother Nature in just a few days.
Humility -- what you feel as you're lying on your back trying to remember how to breath after slipping on the ice that was snow before it melted and re-froze. You know, the snow that wouldn't have been there if you'd shoveled your driveway. Potentially, you will also be feeling several broken bones and a deeply-wounded pride.
Inspiration -- Wait, didn't someone give us one of those gift bag deals with little bitty things of coffee in it about five or six years ago? Coffee doesn't go bad, does it? And wouldn't hot water take care of all that? Sure it would.
Futility -- the feeling you get when you look at that pile of wet clothes at the front door and realize it doesn't really matter if you move it or not. That's because in about 10 minutes, all of your children will get bored doing whatever they're doing and decide they want to go back outside. They will then dress in any and all warm things they own, go outside for five minutes, get all wet, get bored (again), come back in and grow the pile. Or replace it. Whatever.
Arctic wasteland -- this has a double meaning. It could be that place in the Arctic where it's barren and cold and white and there's nothing as far as you can see. Or it could be the inside of your fridge after about six hours of a snow day.
Devastation -- what do you mean we threw the gift bag away!? We never throw anything away! Wait, how long ago, exactly? Two weeks? Why? Whhhyyyyyy?!?!
Realization -- you know what's wrong with water? Besides the fact that it's not brown and actually coffee? It's that, well, have you ever noticed it doesn't really taste like ... anything?
Nostalgia -- Remember how much fun it was when you were a kid and you were hurtling down a hill at what could literally be breakneck speed on a device with no controls for stopping or even steering? And remember when you thought that was fun? Yeah, those were good times. Back before you had a brain in your head.
Inspiration -- you know, pizza places deliver, even in really bad weather. I wonder if coffee shops do?
Despair -- no. They don't. And, in fact, they'll just laugh at you if you ask.
Hope -- Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers officially began reporting to spring training in Florida and Arizona on Feb. 18.
Jealousy -- see "Hope."
Gary Smith is a recovering journalist living in Rogers.
Commentary on 02/20/2015