So ... I'm feeling pret-tae darn secure these days.
OK, the world is a mess, the ice caps are melting, crazy people are running amok and an outfielder would rather sign with the Cubs than the Cardinals. Pretty soon it's going to be full-on "dogs and cats living together" madness. Zombies will be coming for us, the Force will awaken, my library books will all be overdue and chaos will reign.
However, in the face of all this, it's important to note that my phone is locked down.
And how, in a world of uncertainty, do I know this, you ask? Well, because, thanks to the good folks in Cupertino, it's been safeguarded by a ultra-secret four-digit security code known only to me.
So, no complete stranger could just pick up my phone and laugh at my Fantasy Football lineup or find out the time in Asuncion, Paraguay (accidentally loaded on the phone; no idea how to get rid of it. Three hours ahead of us, in case you're wondering.).
Yep, thanks to the super-secret password, no one can just get into my phone and do whatever someone would do if they were to get into your phone. Make calls, I'm guessing? And I know the password is completely secret and safe because ... I don't remember what it is.
I have achieved maximum security. My phone is safe, even from me.
I mean, yes, at one time I knew the password. It's just that they keep making me change it and before long you run out of variations on four-digit combos of significance to only you. I'm pretty sure this time I picked an important date. 1066? 1492? I don't know. It's something memorable, except I can't remember it.
At one point I used to go with the kids' birth months, except , like I said, I had to keep changing it and once you've done oldest to youngest, then youngest to oldest the whole thing becomes completely arbitrary and you might as well just start punching buttons and hoping for the best. Which, in my case, might be a return to the good old days of payphones, when all you had to remember was seven digits, or 1411.
It's also worth noting that, while I can't get into my phone, some teenage Russian hacker would do it in less time than it would take him to order a blintz in whatever Moscow café he was using as the base of operations for his Fantasy Football lineup snickering ring.
Still, as with most things in life, the illusion of security is at least as important as real security. Or something like that.
Of course, this isn't the only thing like this. All that stands between me and not being able to log onto my computer in the morning is the fact I've written my password on a piece of paper and stuck it in a drawer. Which, while it flies in the face of any security directives, does allow for productivity goals to be met, mostly because I can actually turn on my computer.
So, you know, name your poison there.
It seems we live in a world of amazing devices, all made less so by the fact that, to safeguard them from strangers, we need to protect them with passwords and PIN's and security codes and retinal scans (OK, not that far yet, but coming) and all manner of self-selected and probably totally worthless roadblocks.
Sort of like having a Maserati in your driveway, but not being able to operate it because you've lost the keys. Which I've done. The "keys" thing, not the Maserati. But, you probably guessed that.
Now I understand all this is useful. As I said earlier, this is a strange world and you'd probably rather not have some random stranger or zombie using your phone. But you do have to wonder if, perhaps, we've taken security a tad too far when things are secure even from the intended users.
I saw a device the other day you can lock onto the top of a container of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. For about $30, you can keep your Chunky Monkey or Cherry Garcia safe from any miscreants who would break into your house and head straight for your freezer. Or the miscreants who actually live in your house and obviously have no respect for personal property.
All you need is a three-digit code of significance only to you ... wait ... wow, that is not going to end well, is it?
Commentary on 12/18/2015