International shake-up over cheeses moooves to U.S.

Europe is cheesed off.

As part of trade talks, the European Union wants to stop American cheese manufacturers from using names like Parmesan (in the way that sparkling wine produced outside a certain region of France can’t be called Champagne), sneering that they are but imposter, inferior products that confuse consumers and cut the cheese profits, uh, we mean slice into their sales.

Wait, Parmesan, the stuff that comes in the green shaker can? Oh, it originates from Parma, Italy?

Maybe the Europeans have a point.

Or maybe they’re just being greedy little Munsters! (Munster cheese apparently originates from Alsace, France, with the name coming from “monastere” or monastery. It’s not the 1960s American TV comedy.)

“It’s really stunning that the Europeans are trying to claw back products made popular in other countries,” Jim Mulhern, president of the National Milk Producers Federation, which represents U.S. dairy farmers, told The Associated Press.

The Union has already been successful in reaching agreements with Canada and Central America, restricting their domestic cheeses from being labeled with European names and symbols.

In Canada, they can’t call the cheese in Greek salad (can we still even call it a “Greek salad?”) “feta,” but rather “feta-like” or “feta-style,” and they can’t use pictures of Greek icons like the Parthenon, Athena or actor John Stamos on packaging.

Feta has PDO (protected designation of origin) status within the European Union, limiting it to brined cheese of sheep or goat’s milk made in Greece. But chew on this cheesy tidbit: According to the website of Clifford A. Wright, a James Beard Award-winning cookbook writer specializing in Italian and Mediterranean food, “feta” comes from the Italian word “fette,” meaning a slice of food. So feta isn’t really even Greek, it’s Italian? Mamma mia! (Oops! Another trademark trespass?)

Here are some other foods that the European Union will likely ask the U.S. to rename, and our proposed new names:

Fontina (Italian cow’s milk cheese made in the Alps). What’s “mountain” and “cheese” in Italian? Montagna formaggio.

Asiago (cow’s milk cheese produced in Asiago, Italy). What’s “cow” in Italian? Vacca … hmm … Vaccasiago has a ring.

Gruyere (named for Gruyeres, Switzerland). Fondue cheese.

Black Forest ham (drycured smoked ham from Black Forest region of Germany). Schinken. That’s German for ham.

Prosciutto (dry-cured ham of Italy). Schinken Italiano.

Gorgonzola (blue cheese produced in Gorgonzola, Milan and elsewhere in Italy). What’s “blue” in Italian? Blu. Blu cheese, as opposed to all the other kinds of blue (or is it bleu?) cheese.

Neufchatel (made in French region of Normandy). We already have another name for it: diet cream cheese.

Greek yogurt (strained yogurt from Greece). This, too, we already have a name for: Gross yogurt. Hey, Europe, you can take this one back.

Say cheese and email:[email protected] Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.