On a car trip the other day, the Lovely Mrs. Smith and I had a discussion that spring-boarded off her observation that the husband of a mutual friend frequently brings his wife coffee first thing in the morning, before she has gotten out of bed.
Let me pause right now, and, on behalf of all the husbands of wives who are reading this column, say to this person, "Thanks. Really. Thanks a lot."
Some people like to start their day with caffeine. I like to start mine with caffeine AND a healthy dose of sarcasm.
Let's remember I said we were on a car trip. Basically, I was trapped in a hunk of metal, hurtling down the interstate at great speed with no alternative except to leap out to my possible demise.
It was touch and go, but I finally decided to stay with the car. I may or may not have come to regret that decision.
That's because the point of this discussion soon became the fact that I didn't do something similar for her. Because no wife ever says, "Henryetta's husband brings her coffee in bed. Isn't that nice of him? So, how about the Cardinals' bullpen?"
Let me pass along this insight to those of my readers who might be newly married: There is no way you win a discussion like this. You can't even place. No "agreeing to disagree." Your best bet is total, complete capitulation. Throw in the towel, knock over the King, say "No Mas," hand over your sword and take your beating like a man.
She had you at "cream and sugar?"
For the record, I would like to mention that the Lovely Mrs. Smith is a wonderful woman who does a terrific job with her business, the house and our family, and certainly deserves as many nice things done for her as I can possibly do.
But in every relationship, there are those discussions best ended by faking a heart attack. Or really having one. Whichever is easier. Because, at least one of the parties in the discussion is, quite frankly, wrong. And he just won't admit it.
And the longer you're married, the more you'll discover that "wrong," just like "winning," is something of a moving target, and very much in the eye of the beholder. And the beholder? It's not you.
So, as someone who has spent considerable time in the marital trenches, I can share one bit of wisdom with you. When your wife contends you don't do enough nice things for her, I can't tell you how to win that discussion. But I can sure tell you how to lose it.
1. Tell her she's wrong. Yeah, she's certainly open to that prospect. All she needs is your smooth powers of persuasion to help her see the error of her ways.
2. Start listing the "nice things" you do for her. Because unless you're a kidney short and she's got it, you've really got nothing. The fact that the toilet seat is down? Gravity is not benevolence.
3. Here's a real winner: Tell her you gave her those kids. Forget, of course, her decidedly less pleasant role in that process. She won't.
4. Point out a sign for one of the last remaining Stuckey's in the world. Hey, pecan log roll. It's worth a shot.
5. Say something with all sincerity that is completely stupid. Mention how you check to make sure all the doors are locked and turn on the front porch light EVERY NIGHT! Point out how many bugs you've killed. Re-tell the tale of how you scared the skunk out the back yard. Forget the part about how you did it by screaming like a little girl.
Give up. Admit you're wrong. Because, you know, you probably are. You don't do enough nice things for her. And what you really, really don't do is that one nice thing that stands out in her mind that she can go back to when the day is crazy or when a life juggling work, home and family has become infinitely more challenging than you can even imagine. So you better figure out what it is and you best be about doing it.
So, it's the hazelnut coffee and a Sweet and Low. Or is it two Sweet and Lows and the hazelnut creamer? This could be harder than I thought.
GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST LIVING IN ROGERS.
Commentary on 07/31/2014