We know Real Housewives cast members who have had bad plastic surgery.
Now get better acquainted with two who fix it.
Terry Dubrow, husband of Heather Dubrow on Bravo's Real Housewives of Orange County, and Paul Nassif, the ex-husband of Adrienne Maloof, formerly of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, have teamed up to troubleshoot tragic tummy-tucks, to rectify funky face-lifts and to right rhinoplasty gone wrong on the new E! show Botched (9 p.m. Sundays).
"Every year over 15 million people get plastic surgery in pursuit of perfection," a narrator opens the premiere episode. "Most of those surgeries work out for the best, but here's what happens when they get botched."
"I feel like Frankenstein!" cries one victim.
"They're cow udders!" gasps another.
"At the end of the day I still had a deformed nose!" moans another.
With scrubs as their superhero capes, Dubrow and Nassif take on tough plastic surgery revision cases, with some 40 years of surgical experience between them.
It's a lot more than many have, Dubrow says: "Fifty percent of the plastic surgery done in the United States is done by doctors with no training in plastic surgery."
Hence, sad situations like Alicia, 34, and Michelle (age in dispute; more on that later) in the first episode.
Unfortunate implants left Alicia with what she calls a "uniboob," explaining, "My implants touch each other, so I have no cleavage." That's especially troubling to Alicia, whose line of work is designing bikini tops for buxom women ("I can't even wear one myself"). That woe is overshadowed by the physical pain: "Sometimes it feels like I'm having a heart attack because it feels like there's a lot of weight on my heart."
Michelle's agony is as plain as the nose on her face -- a nose that has undergone six operations after a serious car crash. Says Michelle, "I feel like Michael Jackson, like the lopsided, disfigured nose, and it makes me feel powerless and ugly."
Also appearing in the first hour-long episode is flamboyant Justin, a 33-year-old self-proclaimed stay-at-home husband in Beverly Hills (note to Bravo: Here's your next show!) who has never felt ugly a day in his charmed, pool-lounging, bubble-bath-luxuriating life. Still, he's had 132 (!) cosmetic procedures.
"Nose job, lips, cheeks, forehead, pec implants, bicep implants, tricep implants, buttock augmentation," Justin says with a laugh. "I don't know what else I forgot."
For him, plastic surgery is about artistic expression and experimentation, he says: "I'm kind of building a Superman suit, just instead of fabric, I'm using skin and muscle."
Well Superman is going to have to find other doctors to do No. 133 -- abdominal implants (which he wants to follow up with two-piece "quad" and calf implants and then "lat" implants). Because Dubrow and Nassif, who pay Justin a house call only to be greeted by a manservant in his underwear, decide it's a bit too much for them.
Dubrow says about Justin, "He's now entering into the bizarre world of implants that can result in major life-threatening complications."
And besides, Nassif says, "He looked like a cartoon character."
"I'm shocked they said no to me," sniffs Justin, who apparently has never had men say no to him. "It's all well and good that they want to work on people for reconstructive purposes, but it's a little bit of a yawn to me."
Me too, Justin. I'm back and forth between uninterested and disgusted as the surgeons explain the various procedure complications and then get to diagramming, poking, cutting, pricking and prodding. Who really wants such reality in her reality shows? Gag.
Fast-forward. Alicia's freaking that Dubrow is making her new breasts too small. Hey, at least there will be two of them. Meanwhile Nassif, who uses some of Michelle's rib cartilage for her nose procedure, concludes from her rib calcification that Michelle is older than the 40 years she told him. Luckily she has a complicated nose, or it would be growing with this fib.
In the end, Alicia proudly shows off her new twosome in a top she designed. And Nassif is right on the nose with Michelle's symmetrical sniffer.
Everyone is happy.
Well, everyone except Justin, but that's nothing a "Smile Lipt" (mouth corner lift) couldn't fix.
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Style on 07/01/2014