Unwelcome speech

I know it’s been hard to hear anything over the cacophony of the White House roof falling over Benghazi, the IRS and spying on reporters. But still, I was surprised there wasn’t more fuss about the Obama administration’s war on Shakespeare.

That’s right: Obama’s Justice and Education departments effectively banned America’s universities from teaching the works of the playwright generally considered the greatest writer in the history of the English language. In an order to the University of Montana that they labeled “a blueprint for colleges and universities throughout the country,” the two departments created a sweeping new definition of sexual harassment as “any unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature,” including “verbal conduct.” (Or, as those more familiar with the English language call it, speech.)

Who gets to define “unwelcome”? The listener and the listener alone-no matter how high strung, neurotic or just plain pin-headed that listener is. I can understand why you might suspect I’m extrapolating or exaggerating here, but really, the feds’ letter is quite explicit: The words don’t have to be offensive to “an objectively reasonable person” to be considered harassment.Under these circumstances, it will be a brave (or crazy) professor indeed who assigns his class to read William Shakespeare.

Juliet’s enthusiastic anticipation of her wedding night with Romeo (“Spread thy close curtain, love-performing night . . . Lovers can see to do their amorous rites”) is bound to strike some student somewhere as either downright lewd or male-hierarchically sexist. The reference to “Cupid’s fiery shaft” in A Midsummer Night’s Dream is like a flashing neon Kick Me sign. And the multiple themes of incest in Hamlet? Why not just put a gun to your head, professor?

Professors won’t be the only potential targets of the new policies-maybe not even the major ones. When I was a college kid, the biggest risk associated with asking somebody on a date was the possibility of a humiliating “no.” Now the stakes have been raised to an accusation of “unwanted conduct of a sexual nature” if the askee is offended. Even a casual comment like “nice pants” or “pretty eyes” is a potential harassment charge.

But surely, you say, surely nobody will take the letter of the law to such absurd extremes. And surely you are wrong: They already have. Brandeis University went after a professor for uttering the word “wetback” during a lecture-no matter that he was criticizing its usage. (Maybe he should have said “the W word.”) Marquette ordered a graduate student to remove a “patently offensive” quotation by Dave Barry from his door. (Let’s see if my editors are brave enough to print it: “As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.”)

Governed largely by Baby Boomer radicals left over from the 1960s who have elevated political correctness to a religion, American college campuses are rapidly becoming free-speech free zones where ideas are reduced to doctrinal shibboleths and all liberties are subservient to a fundamental Right to Not Be Offended.

The Obama administration’s new policy, which will apply to any college receiving federal aid-that is, just about all of them-will enshrine that right in law. The quicker somebody gets this thing before a court that has read the actual U.S. Constitution, the better.

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Glenn Garvin is a columnist for the Miami Herald.