LITTLE ROCK — Ethelred the Unready was crowned King of England in A.D. 978 at the age of 9 or thereabouts, after the murder of his half brother Edward. Contrary to Mel Brooks’ declaration in The History of the World, Part 1, for Ethelred, it was not “good to be king”-because the word was out that he was Unready.
Historically, throughout his nearly 40-year reign, Ethelred lived up-or is it down?-to the name with everything he did. Soon after his coronation, the Danes attacked England and succeeded because Ethelred was . . . Unready. He bought off the invaders for 10,000 pounds, but they went on to besiege London, a turn of events for which Ethelred was, of course . . . Unready. In 1013, Sweyn of Denmark was proclaimed King of England, forcing Ethelred to flee; he almost missed the boat because he was, once again . . . need I say it?
In his defense, had he been dubbed Ethelred the Young or Ethelred the Boy King, people might have given the kid a chance to Get Ready.
What’s in a name? Think about it. Who knows how brave Richard would have been without “the Lionhearted,” how victorious William minus “the Conqueror,” how vicious Ivan sans “the Terrible,” how wise Solomon or how great Catherine. Somewhere along the line they may have earned their names. Poor Ethelred; he never stood a chance.
Those royal names created an image, a medieval brand, that let you know what to expect from a leader. Maybe it’s time to resurrect the naming thing; it might just give us a heads-up as to who these guys really are.
According to MSNBC’s Chris the Interrupter, Rachel the Smarty, Ed the Jolly and Lawrence the Profound, we currently have a choice between Barack the Beneficent and Mitt the Moocher. Over at Fox (the Fair and Balanced channel), according to Bill the Bully, Sean the Snide and Greta the Mean, it’s a contest between Mitt the Mighty and Barack the Bleeding Heart. Of course, after the first debate, everyone agreed that Barack should have inherited Ethelred’s title. The second debate produced Mitt the Pushy and Barack the Confrontational, and the third, Mitt the Me Too and Barack the Cool.
Actually, beyond politics, royal nicknaming would be a boon for online dating. Think of the time and angst that would be saved if Audrey the Needy knew that, no matter how attracted she was to him, Len the Wounded wasn’t going to be there for her, and how much better her chances would be with Monty the Giving (even though he didn’t like musical theater).
I know it would have saved me a lot of pain if my first wife had been known as Ellen the Angry, my accountant as Ralph the Shifty, and my agent Lenny the Inept. In all fairness, though, I think of myself as Billy the Nice-though I’m sure my friends and family would have some more colorful suggestions.
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Bill Persky is an Emmy-winning producer, writer and director.
Editorial, Pages 14 on 10/30/2012