COMMENTARY 38th Annual Hog Prognostications

NORTHWEST ARKANSAS — It’s never too early to talk football. And so it’s time for my 38th Annual Razorback Prognostications.

Tennessee Tech: The game will be delayed because the bus driver can’t find Fayetteville. It won’t matter. The Hogs will be primed for the home opener at Reynolds Razorback Stadium. You can look for Ryan Mallet to launch his Heisman campaign by lobbing long bombs down the football field into the hands of Joe Adams, Greg Childs and D.J. Williams.

The D will be a brick wall and get the football back. Then you can watch Ronnie Wingo tiptoe, ala Lance Alowrth, down the sidelines for numerous TDs.

Hogs 48, Tech lost in the Ozarks.

Louisiana-Monroe: The party will begin early outside War Memorial Stadium when the Monroe Marilyns come to town.

Look for the running game to overwhelm the Marilyn defense.

Greenwood’s Tyler Wilson will mop up in the fourth quarter and toss two TDs. Jake Bequette (his great uncle George married a McConnell from Greenwood) will make 10 tackles and have four sacks from his defensive end spot. Hogs 48, Marilyns a perfect 10.

Georgia: Athens may have a parthanon but it won’t help when the Hogs invade the Bulldog nation. Look for the Hogs defensive backs to intercept three passes in the first half and our offensive line to open holes for a parade of scat backs to break through and high-tail it for the end zone. Hogs 48, Athenians defeated.

Alabama: Now we’re ready to unload both barrels. They’ll come from Alabama with a banjo on their knee. Nick Saban hasn’t smiled since his team almostgave him a concussion after last year’s championship game by banging him in the head with the traditional Gatorade barrel. Their Heisman Trophy running back will be stuffed by the Razorback Band. Hogs 48, the Tide goes out.

Texas A&M: The Hogs will be ranked No. 4 when the entire Hog Nation drives to Arlington, Texas to whup up on A&M. Jerry Jones wants the Razorbacks to join the Big 12 so he can watch his beloved Hogs play all those Texas football teams. He’s trying to schedule the Razorbacks against his Dallas Cowboys next season.

The A&M Twelfth Man will fail to show. Hogs 48, A&M, minus 12.

Auburn: The Hogs, now ranked No. 1 nationally, will have to avoid a mental letdown after the big week in Dallas. They may be looking forward to Ole Miss here in Fayetteville the following week. It won’t matter. Auburn won’t be able to withstand the offensive onslaught to which Hog fans have become accustomed.

Hogs 48, Tigers by the tail it’s plain to see.

Ole Miss: Houston Nutt will lead his undefeated No. 2 ranked Rebels onto the field. But they’ll shake in their cleats when they hear that roar when the No. 1 Razorbacks hit the field. Shootout II. It will be on national TV, the biggest game of the season,the ghost of Richard Nixon will arrive by helicopter and land on the practice field. The Razorbacks will deliver a football performance that will live into eternity. Hogs 48, Rebels without a cause.

Vandy: Bo-rinnng. Vanderbilt closed down their athletic department to put more money into academics. Then why field a team? They are called the Commodores, or the ‘Dores for short. This game is memorable in that Ryan Mallet accidently threw ball all the way to Elkins. Hogs 48, ’Dores shut.

South Carolina: I can’t believe Steve Spurrier is 66 years old.

We should overwhelm the Gamecocks. Hogs 48, Gamecocks roasted.

UTEP: Is this a misprint?

We play UTEP? Why? They beat Adolph Rupp and the Kentucky Wildcats in the 1966 championship game but that was basketball. I didn’t know they played football. They’re called the Miners. Hogs 48, Miners going down.

Mississippi State: It’s been a long season and if the boys are as tired of practicing and playing football as I am writing all this silliness we may be in trouble in Starkville. Naaa! Hogs 48, State still in Starkville.

LSU: Finally a big game! When the Tigers arrive in the Rock for the final game of the season energy will be explosive in the Hog Nation. We’ll close out the season with a big whipping of the LSU squad and prepare of a BCS Bowl Championship game against Ohio State. Hogs 48, Tigers lose weight and turn mighty pale.

GRADY JIM ROBINSON IS A RETIRED PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER AND FREELANCE COLUMNIST.