Death by rumor

LITTLE ROCK — IMAGINE the surprise of Mr. Birney Imes when folks started calling his newspaper, asking when was he shutting down the daily and putting out a weekly shopper in its stead.

Mr. Imes, editor and publisher of The Commercial Dispatch in Columbus, Mississippi, was as surprised as his Concerned Readers when he heard the news.

Nobody had told him anything about such a change. You'd think that when a local daily goes weekly, somebody would have told the editor and publisher.

But there it was, in black and white. In a letter to Columbus residents. From a competitor down the road:

"I was sorry to hear your local newspaper in Columbus has changed its format to that of a weekly advertiser," said the letter, signed by the circulation manager of the big ol' Jackson paper, The Clarion-Ledger. "I know how important it is to receive your daily news and I know it is a valued part of many people's morning.We would like the opportunity to service that need."

The first problem: Who believes a circulation director is ever really sorry to learn that a competing newspaper is going bust? Is Toyota sorry about what's happening in Detroit?

The second problem is this sentence: "We would like the opportunity to service that need." Oh, why oh why do people want to ruin perfectly good nouns by twisting them into verbs? Service that need? That sounds like somebody who's sat through several management seminars too many. No doubt said circulation manager also calls her newspaper The Product and holds off-site retreats to discuss efficiency. Then there's the clinical sound of "service that need;" it comes too close to invoking a sex therapy clinic.

Oh, yes, then there there's a third problem about the Dispatch's closing down: It's doing no such thing. It's planning to put out the paper every day, just as it's always done, thank you very much.

How in the world did this phony story get started? According to Editor & Publisher: "The misinformation from the Gannett Co.-owned Clarion-Ledger apparently arose from the Commercial Dispatch's launch last month in Starkville, a town about 20 miles away, called the Starkville Dispatch. According to Imes, [Jackson's circulation director] said someone in Starkville had concluded the . . . Dispatch was no longer circulating there, and the Clarion-Ledger acted on that tip."

Someone in Starkville had concluded? That's all it takes these days to run with a story? Someone in Starkville's leaping to a conclusion? Folks, we've been through Starkville. Isn't that where Mississippi State University teaches reading and ciphering? Clearly, not all the dogs are barking in Starkville. So why would an up-town, Jackson, Mississippi, big-time Gannett paper base a whole subscription campaign on what "someone in Starkville said"?

"We were shocked," Mr. Ed. and Pub. Birney Imes told Editor & Publisher. "We were shocked they would launch a direct mail campaign on such flimsy information."

The folks at the Gannett paper in Jackson ain't talking. But they do want to make things right. They printed another letter correcting the first one.

With, of course, another sales pitch repeating the earlier subscription offer.

You can almost see Birney Imes' eyes rolling as he reacts to that gesture:

"In their follow-up letter, they're renewing their solicitation-which seems a little heavy if you're trying to make amends."

Hey, buddy, this ain't beanbag. Have you seen newspaper subscriptions lately? You do what you gotta do in this business. And sometimes it ain't pretty.

By the way, somebody in Starkville told us the television stations in Arkansas are all losing their licenses. But no worries. We'll take all their advertisers over here. We can make you some really good deals.

As far as viewers, we'll take them, too. You want Wheel of Fortune? We've got the daily cryptoquote. You want The Simpsons and The Family Man? We've got Dilbert and Pearls Before Swine. You want news? Folks, the TV people, bless their out-of-business hearts, used to read our stuff on their shows. We sure are sorry to hear of local television's demise. But don't worry, Arkansans, we'll be here to service your need.

Now about those advertising deals . . . .