Bad news! Your boss is snooping on you.
You'd think management would be happy that you showed up occasionally and, every now and then, considered doing some work, but no — they want you to be productive 40 hours a week.
Some nerve.
Of course, management has always judged their employees' productivity. It was an important element in your annual review. But annual ain't good enough no more. Today, your productivity is measured, not on a quarterly, or a monthly, or even a daily basis. Today, productivity is measured in 15-minute intervals.
The tool that allows managers to indulge in measurement mania is "snoopware" — my name for software designed to track, record and score workers. It's just like the grades you got in high-school algebra only not as much fun.
Snoopware works by counting keystrokes, mouse movements, phone calls and eyeballs. Yes, eyeballs. Some systems take photos of your face every few minutes to see if you're glued to your screen or doing something that's not productive, like thinking.
It should come as no surprise that, for your managers, thinking is not considered working. It's a fact that goes a long way in explaining the decisions they make.
(Wondering if bathroom breaks are allowed? The answer is "Absolutely. No company would penalize workers for a normal body function." Just don't be normal for longer than five minutes during working hours.)
This productivity horror story is the subject of "The Rise of Worker Productivity Scores," an article by Jodi Kantor and Arya Sundaram in The New York Times. "Since the dawn of modern offices, workers have orchestrated their actions by watching the clock," the authors write. "Now, more and more, the clock is watching them."
Intense supervision of workers does have its roots in history. Slaves chained to their oars on Viking warships expected to be closely observed. It's the same today at Amazon, which measures the productivity of its warehouse workers in 15-minute intervals throughout the workday.
Go 15 minutes without mixing up an order or smushing a package and the next item to be shipped off could be you.
It's the transition from blue- to white-collar workers that's new.
Architects, academic administrators, public service workers and lawyers describe growing electronic surveillance. Even ministers are working against the clock. In Minnesota, a hospice management nonprofit, Allina Health, started tracking the time its chaplains spent with the dying.
According to a company spokesperson, the system resulted in "improved patient satisfaction scores." It's the result management was dying to hear, though I'm not exactly sure how the patients filled out those five-star Yelp reviews from that big office in the sky.
If you're concerned your company will embrace productivity tracking, or already has, here are some tips to help you fight back.
The basic function of snoopware is keystroke counting. As long as you're pounding away, you're working.
Or are you? Simply buy yourself a "mouse jiggler." This ingenious invention keeps your mouse moving, even when you're not. This makes it impossible for your manager to know that you're snoozing on a talcum-powder beach while, back home, your mouse is doing the fandango.
Another way to counteract keyboard tracking is by playing "Plants vs. Zombies: Battle for Neighborville." It's a violent yet totally organic third-person shooter game that will necessitate hundreds of keystrokes per hour if you're to protect your daffodils from the chlorophyll-sucking living dead. Personally, I'm betting on the daffodils.
Admittedly, the addition of "camera capture" in productivity software has made beating the system difficult. With this feature, an employee's computer will "at some moment they could never anticipate, snap shots of their faces and screens, creating timecards to verify whether they are working."
While catching you dozing at your desk is a danger, an even riskier outcome is when the camera catches you reading emails from your manager and giggling or, worse, gagging.
The solution is to have a mask made of your face, which you stick on a blow-up doll, positioned in front of your computer.
Actually, you can forget about the mask. Your manager has probably forgotten what you look like by now, so your labradoodle will be a perfectly acceptable replacement. Smear some liver paste on your screen. When your managers look into those big, soulful eyes looking back at them, the snoop dogs will definitely give your pet dog a high productivity score and a big, fat raise.
Just make sure your doodle doesn't spend it all on chew toys.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at