The recent heat has me thinking: Is the most annoying thing you hear during a heat wave "Hot enough for ya?" or "It's not the heat, it's the humidity"? I'm asking for every human being currently suffering through 100-degree weather.
I know. That is a tough call. On the one hand, "Hot enough for ya?" is an old standby and, coupled with the fact that someone only says it when the temperature hits a number rarely seen outside of a recipe, it has the advantage of being worn-out and annoying at just the time when neither is called for.
However, it does have the advantage of being somewhat benign in a "dad joke" way, so it's likely to just draw a stony stare or an eye roll. And if you're the sort of person who says it, you're probably used to that response by now. Like when you leave the office on Dec. 31st and tell everyone, "See you next year!"
"It's not the heat, it's the humidity" has the (dis)advantage of being both annoying and condescending in just one phrase. Yes, I know: Hot, sticky air feels worse than just hot air. But we're hitting double digits here and frankly the only thing that could possibly make that worse is being talked down to about it.
Really want to top it off? Put "actually" in front of it. Because EVERYONE appreciates the Smartest Person in the Room "explaining" what something "actually" is to them. And you know what you can do with the "heat index." When it's this hot, I don't need to be told it's "actually" much hotter.
People who say "actually" tend to die alone. As do people who correct grammar and spelling. Unless it's their job to correct grammar and spelling. See how I wiggled out of making my editor angry there? Particularly when he's usually the only thing standing between you, me and complete gibberish.
I was also thinking: Do people drive worse when the weather is hot, or do we just have a lot of bad drivers? And I think the answer is: "Yes."
This is one thing I don't understand. My presumption was everyone moved more slowly in hot weather, as sort of a defense mechanism. However, it seems they become more "erratic" than "slow." And since many drivers in this area think turn signals are optional, that's not great.
The only thing I can suggest is that we all remember this: If you think things are miserable now driving in your air-conditioned car, imagine what it would be like standing next to it on the shoulder of the interstate.
And I was also thinking: I was driving down the street the other day when I passed someone running in 100-degree-plus heat. And it makes me wonder: Is the height of irony doing something really bad to yourself while you're trying to do something good for yourself? I mean, typically when I injure myself, it's because I was (A) not paying attention (not the case here with runners), (B) doing something I shouldn't be doing (probably closer) or (C) I'm just an idiot (jury's still out on that one. Not really in a position to judge, though running un-chased during a heat warning could be taken as a tip off for most of us).
Also, I was thinking, what sort of sporting event requires you to train in 100-degree heat? A marathon on the Sun, perhaps? If that's the case, it's definitely going to be the heat that gets you and not the humidity.
Whenever I see someone in intense heat engaging in anything more strenuous than drinking iced tea, I'm reminded of a paraphrased observation reportedly from the comedian Joe E. Brown, who said that when he played golf he usually shot in the 80's.
"If it's any hotter than that, it's just not comfortable," he added.
So, I was thinking, what I'm going to do is wait this one out. And later on this year, when it's below zero and people are huddled in the office, trying to thaw out and keep the snow from melting in their shoes, I'll walk in and exclaim, "Cold enough for ya? And actually it's not the cold, it's the wind chill."
Sure-fire way to make lots of new friends.