Opinion

OPINION | GARY SMITH: Going to a wedding? Check those pandemic numbers one more time, please

After pandemic, dressing up is an acquired skill

We are now officially in the heart of Wedding Season, that time when people are more likely to compel their parents to put on lavish shindigs celebrating their eternal love rather than just take the cash and run off to Vegas. Or, given the current potential for equally lavish post-nuptial celebrations, both.

This season is all the more frantic because it's the first year in a few we've felt safe mingling in groups and generally acting like the recent pandemic never happened. I'm not saying we are safe; just saying we're acting like it.

It's also the first year in a bit that a lot of us (not naming names here -- OK, me) are fresh out of our biggest excuse for not attending things or even leaving our house. Which may or may not have prompted several conversations like this one which may or may not have happened with someone we'll call the Lovely Mrs. Smith.

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "Beauregard and Betty Jo's daughter Courtney are getting married."

Me: "How nice for them."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "What are you wearing?"

Me: "You know, I was hoping that was just a random observation. I get the mail and I haven't seen an invitation. How do we know we're invited?"

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "It was an email. That's how people are doing it now."

Me: "Are we sure there's not an African prince involved? Maybe we should call in a fraud alert? And how can Courtney be getting married? What is she, about 12? Are we Saudi Arabia now?"

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "She was 12 about 14 years ago, dear. And in the meantime she's gone to high school and college with our children, graduated and is now getting married, just like most of ours have. Amazing how not just our kids get older. How do you not remember this?"

Me: "If I remember things like that I won't have capacity to remember important things like the lineup of the 1971 Detroit Tigers."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "Yes, critical knowledge. What suit are you wearing?"

Me: "Black."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "It's a wedding, not a funeral."

Me: "Grey?"

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "In the summer ..."

Me: "Light grey? Man, this was a lot easier the last two years."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "Ah, yes, the good old days of a worldwide plague. What tie?"

Me: "I'm wearing a tie? Dear, I haven't even worn long pants in two years. I have no idea what ties I have and I'm not sure I remember how to tie them."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "Sounds like you better be watching YouTube videos about tying one instead of about how to get out of greenside bunkers, then."

Me: "Considering how well I still get out of greenside bunkers, I'm likely to strangle myself."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "Well, better you than me. Now, I've already pre-shopped and I have a small selection of about 27 ties for you to choose from, remembering it will have to coordinate with my dress, which I'm likely to change five or six times up until we absolutely have to leave the house."

Me: "They're all paisley."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "Yes, yes they are."

Me: "I hate paisley."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "Ummm, yes. These 12 are particularly nice."

Me: "All men hate paisley. It looks like a science experiment. If you ask us what our favorite pattern is, the answer is 'not paisley.'"

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "And then there's the green one."

Me: "The green one is fine."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "There will be a dinner served, as well as an open bar and dancing. But you don't have to dance."

Me: "Well, 'open bar' says I do. And did the parents of the bride even come to our kids' weddings?"

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "Yes, they were exceptionally gracious and bought lovely presents off the registers. A food processor and a barbecue set. Again, how do you not remember this?"

Me: "At first, Norm Cash. At second, Dick McAuliffe. At short, Eddie Brinkman and at third, Aurelio Rodriguez ..."

The Lovely Mrs. Smith: "I don't know who any of those people are. People living in Detroit in 1971 probably don't remember who any of those people are. Chances are at this point those people may not even remember who those people are anymore."

Me: "Well, keeping memory alive is critical. Now if I can just remember where my suits are and if I actually own any hard-soled leather shoes."

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