Opinion

OPINION | GARY SMITH: Is a symptom of covid an impatience with testing?

Following directions might be a barrier to covid detection

At a time when it seems we're predisposed to becoming obsessed with just about anything and everything, we as a country appear to have become obsessed with yet one more thing – testing.

Not "true/false, fill in the blank, now it's time for the parallel parking portion of the exam" testing. Testing as in covid testing, specifically testing for the newest strain or variety or flavor or whatever we're called the latest mutation.

An aside: Should we drop the Greek thing (really just one more opportunity for the British to pronounce a word strangely and make us all mad) and go with how they name hurricanes? For instance, this latest variety could be "the Harvey strain," followed by "the Ingrid strain." Because, apparently we're going to have to keep naming strains and eventually we're going to run out of Greek letters.

But I digress ...

Right now we're all furiously taking tests, hording tests, sitting in line for tests or generally going on and on about tests. Perhaps to a greater degree than we're going on and on about "preventing," but that might have been a feature of this pandemic, anyway.

Anyway, testing, the lack thereof, the reliability thereof, the inconvenience thereof or the general necessity thereof is suddenly all the rage. We decry not being able to find tests, not trusting the results of tests, having to test in the first place, how frequently we should test, which test is the best test, why someone isn't giving us a test, who should be paying for or sending us a test and on and on.

In fact, the current conversation is testing my patience. Which apparently can also be done with a cotton swab and a bottle of some strange liquid. Which ... we're out of.

For me, the challenge comes on many fronts, not the least of which being that I'm having a hard time keeping the nomenclature correct. I've got the "rapid" part, but I thought PCR was an adult beverage. Wait, that's PBR. Wow, one little letter really can make a difference, huh? On the other hand, potentially a cure for test anxiety.

Also, I can't really keep straight the whole "positive is negative and negative is positive" thing. That's why none of my flashlights work and I almost blew up a car one time. Word to the wise: When you're trying to jump start an auto, sparks are not a good sign.

I'm also challenged in that conducting an actual rapid test requires, at least marginally, some dexterity, attention to detail and math skills. So ... zero for three here.

The tests I've used require me to do so many things I'm not good at, like opening packaging and reading directions. Which explains the bandages and why the shelves I built in my garage look like that. And potentially why there were so many leftover screws.

Speaking of loose screws, the tests require me (perhaps the least qualified person in this conversation) to drop six (not five or seven [kind of reminds you of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." OK, obscure reference. Just skip ahead. Or Google]) drops of liquid in a tiny hole. Then insert a Q-tippy thing in my nose and turn it five times. Or is it four? Does it matter at that point? Does going over hurt? I mean, the test, because it's not great on my nose.

Then I have to insert this Q-tip deal in another small hole, close the whole thing up and wait for the timer on the oven to go off. Because I've never been able to figure out the timers on my watch or the microwave. At this point I also observe that I didn't set this clock after daylight saving time, which also explains why I'm not on time for a lot of things.

After all this I've determined I don't have Covid Harvey (all right, I'm going to start using it, even if no one else does). Either that or I'm not pregnant. Maybe I got the wrong test? They were very close together on the shelves ... no, wait, definitely no covid. Imagine my relief. On both counts.

The challenge is, regardless of how bad I might be at this, it appears I and the rest of us are going to have to keep at it for a while, even after omicron/Harvey recedes in the face of some other variant. Which, I'm sure you're thinking, isn't all that bad. After all, it's not like you have to draw blood or anything.

So apparently you haven't seen me with that swab ...

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