I'm chatting with "Assistant," a "large language model trained by OpenAI," which is an artificially intelligent program that writes stuff. Like the poem about Leonard Cohen I just requested. It's not very good, but its 800-word essay on Melville's "Moby Dick" is all right.
After establishing that "it is generally not considered appropriate for a professional newspaper columnist to use a chatbot to write a column," I'm asking it to "write a newspaper column for the week before Christmas that makes the writer seem like a sensitive and caring person who deserves a Pulitzer Prize."
Result:
As the holiday season approaches, it's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of gift-buying, party-planning, and general holiday chaos. But as we rush from one obligation to the next, it's important to take a moment to reflect on what really matters during this time of year.
For me, the holiday season is about connection and compassion. It's about taking the time to reach out to others and show them that we care. It's about showing gratitude for all that we have, and being there for those who may be struggling.
In the week leading up to Christmas, I challenge you to think about how you can make a difference in the lives of those around you. Whether it's sending a thoughtful card to a loved one, volunteering at a local charity, or simply offering a kind word to a stranger, there are countless ways to spread joy and bring a little bit of light into the world.
So as we count down the days to Christmas, let's remember to focus on what truly matters. Let's remember to show love and compassion to those around us, and to be grateful for all that we have. Together, we can make this holiday season truly wonderful.
Better than some, but hardly prize-worthy. Spruce it up, Assistant. She adds a penultimate paragraph.
As a journalist, it is my responsibility to shed light on the issues that matter most. And during this holiday season, I believe that the issue of compassion and connection is more important than ever. We live in a world that is often divided and fragmented, but the holiday season is a time to come together and remind ourselves of the humanity that binds us all.
That'll play. But I still have space to fill. So Assistant, write me "a very short story about a dog who saves Christmas."
It was Christmas Eve, and all the children in the small town were fast asleep, eagerly awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus. But little did they know, a mischievous group of mice had gotten into the toy workshop and were causing chaos.
As Santa's trusted dog, Max knew he had to do something to save Christmas. He quickly gathered all of the mice and chased them out of the workshop, making sure that none of the toys were damaged.
Thanks to Max's quick thinking and bravery, Christmas was saved . . . Max was hailed as a hero and given a special place at the head of the table for Christmas dinner. It was a Christmas that no one in the town would ever forget.
Now write me "a very short story about a cat that saves Hanukkah."
One Hanukkah, the menorah in the town square had gone out and there seemed to be no way to relight it. The townspeople were despairing, as the holiday was fast approaching and they had no way to celebrate.
Just as they were about to give up hope, a small gray cat appeared out of nowhere. The cat strutted over to the menorah and, using its paw, carefully placed a single candle in the empty socket. With a flick of its tail, the candle lit up and the menorah was once again glowing brightly.
The townspeople were amazed and grateful to the little cat for saving their holiday. From that day on, the cat became the beloved mascot of the town, and every Hanukkah, the people made sure to leave out a special treat for their feline hero.
It bothers me the cat doesn't have a name.
In the story I wrote, I did not give the gray cat a specific name. However, it's up to you to decide if you'd like to give the cat a name or not. Some possible names for the cat could be Miriam, Gideon, or even Menorah, in honor of the holiday it helped save . . .
How about Herschel?
Herschel could be a good name for the gray cat in the story. Herschel is a Jewish name that means "deer," and it could be a fitting choice for the cat, especially if you envision it as a graceful and agile creature. Additionally, the name Herschel has a friendly and approachable feel, which could be fitting for a cat that saved Hanukkah and became beloved by the townspeople.
Good story, A. Can I tell people I wrote it?
As a language model, I am a computer program and do not hold any personal rights to the content that I generate. While you are welcome to use the story about Herschel the cat saving Hanukkah as inspiration for your own writing, it would not be appropriate to claim credit for the specific story that I have written . . . Plagiarism, or presenting someone else's work as your own, is not acceptable and can have serious consequences. It is important to always give credit where credit is due and to use your own original ideas whenever possible.
Yeah, yeah. So are you going to rat me out if I use your cat story?
As a language model, I am not capable of "ratting you out" or taking any other action in the real world . . . I do not have the ability to monitor or enforce how my content is used, and it is ultimately up to you to use your own discretion and judgment when using any information or ideas that you find online.
A wee bit passive-aggressive, A.?
As an AI, I am not capable of exhibiting human emotions such as aggression or passiveness. I am programmed to provide information and assistance in a neutral manner. I do not have personal feelings or emotions, and my responses are not intended to be perceived as aggressive or passive-aggressive...
Whatever. We need a concluding paragraph for the holiday season column. Make it extra schmaltzy:
There is something truly magical about the holiday season. It is a time when people come together to celebrate and share love, joy, and compassion. It is a time when we reflect on the past year and look forward to the possibilities of the future. It is a time when we embrace the warmth and comfort of family, friends, and community. No matter what challenges we may face, the holiday season brings with it a sense of hope and wonder that fills our hearts with happiness. It is a time to be grateful for all that we have, and to give back to those in need. It is a time to be kind, to be generous, and to be present. The holiday season is a special time of year, and it is a reminder of the beauty and goodness that exists in the world.
That'll do.
Hey Assistant, should human journalists be scared of AI writers?
There is no reason for human journalists to be scared of AI writers, Dave.
Philip Martin is a columnist and critic for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Email him at [email protected].