I can hardly believe it's time for trick-or-treaters and pumpkin-spiced everything again, but the calendar assures me that All Hallows' Eve is indeed upon us. I rather enjoy the season of ghoulish decorations and scary movies. Trapper John, on the other hand, wants no part of it. I'd have a better chance of getting that man to watch a tissue-tossing Hallmark movie starring dancing penguins than any story that includes a haunted hotel, a demon-possessed car or Jamie Lee Curtis.
Most "scary" movies aren't nearly as daunting to me as are many things in real life. Given a choice between an afternoon with Freddy Krueger on Elm Street or a trip to the local Department of Motor Vehicles, I'll take the former every time. At least I know it'll be over in a couple of hours.
You know, I might be on to a great new business model here. Let's combine all the things folks dread doing and put them under one roof. It could be one-stop shopping for taxes, root canals, bloodwork, colonoscopies, car repairs, estate planning and funeral arrangements. I can see it now, the store's name glowing across the Bentonville skyline: Lisa's Law, Labs, Last Rites & Lube Express.
Instead of departments for sporting goods, groceries and housewares, we'll have the Drilling Division, staffed by first-year dental students, for all your denture, oral surgery and extraction needs. Legal Lane will handle last wills and testaments, advanced directives on plug pulling, and 30-minute divorces. The Burial Branch will have morticians ready to assist you in your eternal selection of cremation, burial, donation to science, or being shot into space (available only at our California locations).
Accountant Alley will take your paycheck, give 80% to the government, keep 10% for the accountant's fee, and return the remaining 10% to you as "Lisa Loot," credit which can be used only within the store. Long lines will lead you to the Tag Team, which will register your truck, trailer, land or cattle, and issue new driver's licenses to those who manage to pass our Shopping Cart Driving Experience. Sawbones Center will service your medical needs, and Clunker Connection will temporarily fix your rattletrap or sell a new-to-you one to get you out of the parking lot. (As is, no warranties; see dealer for details.)
Need help? Clowns will be around every corner to provide exceptional customer service. The Pennywise Professionals will also tend to the black cats, ladders, spiders, snakes and broken mirrors strewn along the aisles.
Jaws and Psycho themed music will serenade your shopping experience. You'll exit the store via a 12-story roller coaster with a flight simulator that crashes you in shark-infested waters. (Flotation devices available for an additional charge.)
Once outside, you'll discover a poop-up – I mean, pop-up – tent showcasing the Pant Palace, where you can choose from a variety of new britches, in case you've filled yours.
Yes, I think I'm really onto something here. It'll be fangtastic and make me witch and famous.