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OPINION | WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Goofy fun with Googling

by Bernadette Kinlaw | February 22, 2021 at 1:53 a.m.

I thought this would be a good time for something lighthearted.

I have a pastime that makes me laugh. I go to Google and type in only the beginning of a question. I get a list of questions that Google thinks I will ask.

I find that a couple of suggested questions are normal, a couple are funny and one or two might have been sent from another planet. The questions never end in question marks, but I got over that. Also, for what follows, I tried to stick with language-related topics, but I strayed.

Here's what I mean. I typed Does the alphabet ...

My options were:

Does the alphabet need to be in order

Does the alphabet rhyme

Does the alphabet exist (?)

Next I typed, Do words ...

I saw:

Do words have power

Do words have meaning

Do words rhyme with themselves (If they don't, there's a problem.)

Knowing I would shudder, I typed, Do apostrophes ...

I read:

Do apostrophes matter in email addresses (No)

Do apostrophes go after the period (No)

Do apostrophes make nouns plural (Noooooo)

I started, Do consonants ...

These came up:

When do consonants double

Do consonants have long and short sounds

Do you pronounce consonants (!)

I typed, Does reading ...

I saw this:

Does reading make you a better writer

Does reading make you smarter

Does reading burn calories

I typed, Is writing ...

I read:

Is writing an art

Is writing fanfiction illegal (?)

Is writing on your skin bad (!)

Next, Why do men ...

My options were:

Why do men twitch in their sleep

Why do men lie

Why do men cry

I tried, Why do women ...

I read:

Why do woman live longer

Why do women complain so much

Why do women eat their placenta (!)

I queried, Why do babies ...

I saw:

Why do babies smile in their sleep

Why do babies spit up

Why do babies stare at me (this sounds a little neurotic)

I typed, When do eggs ...

I found:

When do eggs expire

When do eggs hatch

When do eggs hatch in pokemon sword (!)

I tried, Does anyone ...

I saw:

Does anyone live in Antarctica

Does anyone collect old emails

Does anyone deliver roosters (?)

I typed, Do I need to ...

I read:

Do I need to fast for bloodwork

Do I need to quarantine

Do I need to register my drone

I queried, Why do words ...

I read:

Why do words sound weird when repeated

Why do words have silent letters

Why do words exist (Um, for talking?)

I tried, Why don't I ...

I saw:

Why don't I like kissing

Why don't I remember my dreams

Why don't I get text notifications (Those three rounded out many of humankind's questions.)

I wrote, Who is ...

I read:

Who is the richest person in the world

Who is the president of the United States (!)

Who is Dora's boyfriend

I tried, Is my nose ...

I read:

Is my nose broken quiz

Is my nose too big

Is my nose ring too small (That sounds like a personal choice.)

I tried, My stomach ...

I saw:

My stomach keeps growing

My stomach burns

My stomach hurts in Spanish (Tell it to speak English!)

I tried, What country ...

I read:

What country has the most covid cases

What country is Melania Trump from

What country does eggnog come from

I tried, Does Congress ...

My options were:

Does Congress make laws

Does Congress include the House and Senate

Does Congress pick the president (!)

I typed, Is Alaska ...

Google suggested:

Is Alaska the biggest state

Is Alaska an island

Is Alaska a country (!)

I tried, Does the president ...

I read:

Does the president have to be born in the U.S.

Does the president get paid for life

Does the president sleep alone

I wondered, Is marriage ...

I saw:

Is marriage a right

Is marriage counseling covered by insurance

Is marriage always hard

I queried, My teenager ...

I saw:

My teenager refuses to eat what I cook

My teenager sleeps all day

My teenager hates me

I asked, Do I really ...

I read:

Do I really need a root canal

Do I really need an air fryer

Do I really love my boyfriend (How would the internet know?)

I wondered, How do I act ...

I saw:

How do I act my age

How do I act in a movie

How do I act cool (This is an age-old question.)

I typed, Where can I find ...

I read:

A Nintendo switch

My blood type

Hot chocolate bombs (I immediately clicked on that.)

I tried, How much time ...

Is left on my timer (?)

How much time until Christmas

How much time have I wasted on Fortnite (ha ha)

I tried, How many times ...

How many times is love mentioned in the Bible

How many times was 50 cent shot

How many times has goku died (I had to look up goku. He is a manga character.)

OK, this is weird. I tried, How old ...

And the first choice was How old is goku.

BOWLING

Just a random discussion here. When I was at my first newspaper, we had a bowling writer. I'm not sure how common that is these days. But the reporter would often get tired of using bowler and bowling again and again. He would instead use kegler and kegling, which always made me giggle.

Apparently, the words date back to medieval German, in a game that somehow tested one's faith and purity. Each kegel, or bowling pin, stood in for a heathen. People would try to knock down the pin with a round stone. If you could knock down a pin, that meant you were sin-free.

What a fun and completely logical game.

The German root contributed kegel, kegler and kegling to the English language. The dictionary noted that most writers today use the old-fashioned word comically.

Sources include Google and Merriam-Webster. Reach Bernadette at

[email protected]

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