As the NFL Draft looms but a week from Thursday, the various analyses I read are listing the most pressing needs for the Washington Football Team as linebacker, wideout, tight end and possibly safety, all of which ignore the most blatantly pressing need of all:
Nickname.
The franchise is saying little about this except that it might not be until 2022 -- if then -- that it has a replacement for Redskins, and that's still the most preposterous story line of the offseason, at least to me. What is so complicated about this?
Bears.
There, when in doubt, Bears.
I know, Chicago, but there's no rule about multiple teams having the same name in this or any other league. The Chicago Bears are the Monsters of the Midway. You could be the Bruins of the Beltway. You're welcome.
Bears is better than nothing, which is, oh yeah, what you have now.
Problem is, you can't have an NFL team running around without a nickname. People are going to get hurt, like the Steelers. Last December, the Steelers were 11-0, their best start ever, when the Washington Football Team arrived at Heinz Field and beat them 23-17. Having never lost to a team with no nickname before, the Steelers never recovered, losing five of their last six, including to a coachless Cleveland Browns team in a playoff game. At home.
The sheer number of available nicknames to Daniel Snyder's outfit should be enough of an embarrassment for them to have one by now. Further, there's a wealth of potential nicknames that are at least somewhat fitting, albeit to varying degrees.
Take Swamp Things. Not only does Swamp Things (dis)honor the main pre-occupation of the city, it lends itself to a perpetual logo redesign that optimizes your merchandising revenue stream. Think of the cool Swamp Thing logos that will make burgundy-and-gold hoodies fly off the racks.
Plenty of similarly Washington-centric names are available: Lobbyists, Independent Prosecutors, The Capitol Mob, Insurrectionists, RINOS. Rhinos, obviously, is better than nothing, too. Even something as odiferous as Senators is proven as absolutely fine.
If none of that suits, Washington need only look to the league's traditional nickname proclivities, most of them simple and obvious. Pick a bird that's not Eagles, Falcons, Ravens, Cardinals or Seahawks (like Buzzards, Condors, Vultures, Ospreys or Pelicans). Pick a big cat that's not Bengals, Lions, Jaguars or Panthers (like Leopards or Cheetahs).
Oh my, the Washington Cheetahs. I dare you.
Easier still, pick an equine that's not Colts or Broncos (like Stallions, Clydesdales, Appaloosas, Palaminos), or an occupation that's not Steelers or Packers (the Battling Bureaucrats?).
So far, nickname suggestions have arrived from 60 countries and all 50 states, but the club insists this is merely the "discovery phase," which sounds like it might be followed by jury selection, opening statements, witness testimony, closing arguments, jury deliberation and a verdict, er, nickname.
Among the real suggestions gaining significant traction, particularly among the club's all-important younger fans, is Warthogs. It's not only unique, it's a superior alliterative construction to Wallabies, Walruses, Wasps, Water Buffaloes, Weasels, Whales and Werewolves (although that's pretty good), and most appealingly, it indirectly channels the legacy of Washington's famous Super Bowl-winning offensive line, the Hogs.
The fledgling founders of Warthog Nation probably know that warthogs have two pairs of tusks, a razor-like lower pair that can afflict severe wounds and an upper pair used for combat and in defense against predators.
So yeah, that'll work.
My choice is the Washington Monuments. It flows off the tongue. It descriptively identifies the city. And it offers the kind of permanence the WFT is looking for. No one would suggest a monument has to be changed or taken down or ...
Oh, wait.