As far as I'm concerned, there really isn't a lot not to recommend about fall. We're
done with the repressive heat, football season is in full swing and my utility bills won't have swung completely from paying too much for air conditioning to paying too much for heat.
But if there might be one tiny, insignificant, potentially-a-problem-but-don't-worry-it-will-be-fine thing, it would be, oh, what you might classify as, sort of, maybe ... an impending sense of all-consuming dread.
I've got to come up with a Halloween costume.
OK, so let me rephrase that. The Lovely Mrs. Smith and I are supposed to come up with Halloween costumes. Which is to say I'll promise the Lovely Mrs. Smith I'll come up with Halloween costume ideas. Then, I'll forget about it, panic and at the last minute propose a series of ridiculous ideas that make no sense, are completely obscure or simply can't be done without the help of the makeup artist from the "Star Wars" bar scene.
Then I'll wind up going as Raggedy Andy. Because she found the outfit on Pinterest.
An aside here: While anything you hear that involves the phrase "on Pinterest" doesn't necessarily spell disaster, it at least gives you the d, the i and one of the s's. My experience is that it's sort of what the world would look like if it were built by Ikea -- lots of pictures, no directions.
But I digress. And I also don't have a clue as to what our Halloween costumes should be.
As I recall, this was much easier when I was younger. Back then, you just went as Batman, complete with that cheesy mask sort of held in place by a rubber band your brother would come up from behind and snap. Mostly because, well, older brothers. But also because the eye holes on the mask were so small you couldn't see anyone. Or, the odd mailbox or car in a driveway.
Once we made it past the super hero/cowboy/fireman stage, the next stop was "sexy (fill in the blank)." As in, "sexy super hero." Or "sexy cowboy" or "sexy fireman." All of which was, in at least my case, either incredibly ironic or completely inaccurate. Or both.
Now, the challenge of finding something to wear that is A) hilarious, B) not incredibly uncomfortable and C) something you can drive in is compounded by the reality that whatever you find, you have to find two.
Which means you're likely going to achieve A and C, but you're on your own for B.
Seems it's the very nature of Halloween costumes that they be uncomfortable, bordering on downright painful. That's because, like all great performers, you have to suffer for your art. In this case that means spending the night at an event with an open bar in an outfit that doesn't allow you to go to the bathroom.
It also appears that the general theme of most couples' Halloween costumes is that they run toward bad puns, instead of running away from them, which is what you ought to do. It also means you're going to spend most of the night as the human embodiment of a dad joke. And no, you don't get to ask people to pull your finger.
Bad as the puns may be, you have infinitely worse possibilities -- like going "topical" in a crowd of mixed political persuasion. So while it might be 30 days early, you've succeeded in being the equivalent of Thanksgiving dinner with your relatives.
Hey, some people chew glass, some people dress up in strange clothes so they can spend the evening arguing about impeachment or the Second Amendment. Everyone has a hobby.
We're roughly 20 days out, so I'm still free to adopt that same attitude I do toward most holidays -- just don't think about it until I have to, then promise to do better next year.
But when that time comes and I don't have any choice and I've got to come up with something, well, this year, I'm covered.
Let the rest of the couples go as sexy cable repair people or Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Brett Kavanaugh. Me, I've got this covered.
I'm going to go as Batman. I mean, I think I still have the plastic utility belt and that mask around here somewhere. Now if I can just see to back the car out of the garage ...
Commentary on 10/11/2019