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I've noticed I'm beginning to say and do things that "old people" say and do, which can't possibly be happening since "old" is perpetually 20 years my senior.

I wore ear plugs to a church service in North Carolina this weekend. Yes, ear plugs -- bright, hunter orange pieces of foam that looked like baby carrots tethered to either side of my head. The church had a big bowl of them outside the sanctuary door, and once the service began, I was tempted to go back and get every last one of them to pad my shirt so the bass player would stop strumming my ribcage. Once sufficiently muffled, the music and sermon were fine, and I am now of the opinion that many a situation in life could be improved by well-placed polyurethane.

I've also found that trying to communicate with persons under the age of majority is more difficult than in years past. They form sentences like, "Maggie got Ann Curry-ed. Her boss is cray. He said she was dweeting frolleagues, but he's just bitter because he's a trout and she wouldn't get it on with him. Now, she's all Lewis Black."


I'm told to go online to the "Urban Dictionary" to get an education on current slang words. I got an education all right. Let's just say, this ain't your mama's dictionary. Some terms are so racy they'd make Madonna look like an actual virgin.

The urban youths were saying, "Maggie got fired unexpectedly. Her boss is crazy. He said she was drunk and tweeting (posting messages on the social media application "Twitter") to friends she works with, but he's just hostile because he likes to date younger women (he swims downstream in age) and she wouldn't engage in a physical relationship with him. Now, she's furious."

Wow, those are impressive linguistics, I'll admit. But I got news for you, young city slickers -- you aren't unique in coming up with your own language. We country folk with a few years on us have been communicating in our own way long before you were a glint in your daddy's eye. So here's another installment from our "Rural Dictionary" to teach y'all a thing or three:

I'm above ground and takin' nourishment = I'm still alive.

He'll never drown in his own sweat = He's lazy.

She's a radio station = She's of such loose morals that any man can pick her up.

Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya = Leave.

He's prettier from a distance = He's unattractive.

His cornbread ain't done in the middle either = He's unintelligent, too.

If common sense was lard, she couldn't grease a skillet = She lacks sound judgment.

If you threw her in the river, she'd float upstream = She's contrary.

Her mind's so fresh, carrots grow out her ears = She ain't old yet.

OK, I made up that last one, but it's got all the makings of a classic.

NAN Our Town on 11/07/2019

Print Headline: Get off my lawn, kids!

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