OPINION

KAREN MARTIN: Rehabilitate a relationship

Want to test the durability of a marriage or relationship? Buy a house. Build a house. De-clutter a house. Move.

Luckily, the standoffs and squabbles between my husband and me while we take on all of the above appear to be temporary. Causes are related to logistical disruptions (Where did you put the spackle? Didn't you say you would dispose of the old paint cans that are under the house? Do we really need to hang onto 15 martini glasses and 22 books about Bob Dylan? Why is this bathroom such a mess right before a real-estate open house? Why can't you be the one to let the home inspector in this afternoon?) rather than deep-seated differences.

These petty disputes will be replaced with spirited (if stupid) debates over who is at fault when our poorly packed kitchen gear shatters on the way to the new house and getting snippy about where Audi's therapy-dog collar has ended up. Such debates are annoying, but with a willingness to let the small stuff go and remembering to embrace appreciation and thankfulness for kindnesses, we can stay strong together. We are fortunate that we aren't fighting about big-picture problems that can shatter a relationship.

Among those divisive problems, according to Internet sources, are broken trust (infidelity, lies, money woes), a death in the family, battling substance abuse, coping with injury or illness, job loss, anger issues, and compulsive behaviors, to name a few.

If there's no willingness to communicate and troubles fester without being resolved, maybe couples therapy is in order.

According to Psychology Today, couples counseling starts with the admittedly difficult step of allowing that things are not perfect. Next: Both sides must have the goal of saving the relationship. A concrete approach is to commit to a six-month period of working together to solve problems, during which neither party loses focus and threatens divorce or breakup or, in a moment of feeling defeated, secretly plans an exit strategy. And, probably most important, be respectful and treat each other with dignity.

Such therapy, most often available via a licensed clinical social worker, a family therapist, or a mental health professional, usually isn't cheap, and it's not covered by health insurance. But balance the cost with the benefit of getting help in the following situations:

• When trust has been broken (infidelity, lies, deception about money).

• There is an increasing frequency of arguments--over nothing and over monumental challenges--with the relationship becoming more conflict-oriented.

• One or both parties feel misunderstood, overlooked, or ignored.

• Something just feels wrong.

• There's a difficult or delicate subject that needs to be discussed (substance abuse, parenting styles, eating disorders, anger issues, compulsive behavior).

• Getting stuck in going-nowhere patterns such as division of household chores, constant complaining without listening to others, not getting along with other family members.

• Lack of emotional intimacy, or diminishing of physical intimacy.

If couples therapy is too pricey (or too embarrassing or too exhausting), start small. Workshops or group therapies are usually lower-cost and less anxiety-ridden options.

For example, there's a four-part Relationship Enrichment Series presented by Chelsea Wakefield, director of The Couples Center at UAMS' Psychiatric Research Institute, taking place from 6-8 p.m. Tuesdays (March 26, April 2, 9 and 16). Topics include exploring relationships in terms of personal growth, using communication to engage rather than alienate each other, working through sexual difficulties, and getting and staying connected.

Dr. Wakefield, a nationally recognized psychotherapist and author, provides individual psychotherapy, family and couples counseling through what the UAMS website describes as an entertaining teaching style that provides helpful information, tools, and transformative experiences that are the foundation for creating meaningful, enduring relationships. Her intensive methods have proven helpful to many couples attempting to resolve conflicts they thought irreparable.

Cost is $250 per couple (snacks, always an excellent icebreaker, are included). For more information, contact The Couples Center at [email protected].

The success ratio for couples therapy, according to Psychology Today, is around 50 percent. Those are pretty good odds if salvaging a lifetime of love is at stake. Or if you're determined to stay together while moving.

Karen Martin is senior editor of Perspective.

[email protected]

Editorial on 03/17/2019

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