I've wondered lately how our individual and collective need to be liked by co-workers, acquaintances and peers plays into everything from the classroom to the workplace in politics and play.
There's no question I always have harbored a want to be liked. When I was much younger that force was more a need than a want. It just feels good when others approve of you and even smile about it, right? You feel like, well, you belong.
Being in the warm and fuzzy clutches of majority group-think can feel good. And after all, life can seem so much richer and more pleasant when one feels liked and appreciated.
There's little negative I can find about people sincerely liking us. Knowing you are appreciated by others boosts one's spirit and sense of self-worth: "Hey, if 'they' like me, I must be OK, right?"
Except, as the years passed, I adopted a different attitude by questioning what others' opinions of me truthfully meant when they have only superficial impressions to go on. No person can ever truly know another, can they? So what they might like (or dislike) about me stems from their preconceptions and what innermost parts I'm willing to share.
If I'm feeling frustrated or disparaged yet smile through it to send positive, rather than realistic, signals, I'm also casting a false impression of my authentic self, right? Smiling when one is angry is not an accurate reflection.
I also see a vast difference between needing and wanting to be liked, just as with every want and need in life. I may want escargot, but I need food.
And that can make the difference with others who recognize your unmet needs choosing to manipulate you by withholding affection and friendship for their personal gain.
Nothing new there. It happens once a "taker" connects with one who needs to be liked. I'm certainly no psychologist, but certainly have observed enough of life and relationships to draw that conclusion.
What often follows is the needy one begins doing backflips to gain and retain approval from the one manipulative enough to use that driving need for friendship for control.
From my observations over the decades, this leads to those who least need to be liked holding psychological sway over those who do. I'm not altogether certain why this occurs, other than surmising the one needing to be liked (me in high school) also may have self-esteem issues that require constant acceptance and reassurance they are indeed worthy of being liked.
I say this today as I watch deeply partisan political parties fall into step with colleagues. It requires considerable internal strength of spirit and conviction for many folks not to go along in order to get along. This, to me, is remarkably powerful stuff that enables cults, some religions and tribal mentalities to exist, even flourish.
I believe the social aspect of interacting can, and too often does, take control over fundamental reasoning and critical thinking. Remember your parents asking: "Just because Billy jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?" Unfortunately today, I feel many would answer yes if Billy would only say he likes them.
It's important we recognize when we sacrifice common sense and reason in favor of being liked by other equally flawed human beings, regardless of what role they may play in our life. The truth, for me, is that we all are far better off when respected.
Shola Richards addresses this potential self-destructive flaw in human personalities, including his own, on his blog, The Positivity Solution.
Richards, also an inspirational speaker, writes that the saddest part of needing to be liked is "the countless sacrifices you'll have to make in the attempt to reach the impossible goal of being universally liked." He then lists some things he's had to sacrifice because of the need.
"In college, I sat in silence as I watched my friends tease and ridicule a girl with Down Syndrome," he says. "I broke up with a girl who I really liked, solely because my friends didn't think that she was attractive enough. I wrote a long email to a woman who unsubscribed from my blog, basically begging her to stay and that I would change my blog posts from that point forward. I agreed to a free speaking engagement on a Saturday to talk about a topic that I didn't even care about, and I ended up missing my daughter's first-ever swim class.
"Believe me, there are so many more examples of me sacrificing my dignity, values, and self-respect during my 40-plus years on this earth in hopes of being universally liked, but you get the idea," says Richards.
As for my admitted shortcomings, there have been untold times over the years when I have hidden my thoughts and feelings about an issue in order to "go along" with the group I was with at the moment. Feeling part of their camaraderie and perceived friendship overrode my genuine beliefs.
I've long outgrown the group-think-approval approach to life thanks to the revelation as an adult: "If I don't stand for something, I'll fall for anything." (Say, ya think I might put that catchy line to music?)
Perhaps it's embedded in human DNA to seek others' approval often at the sacrifice of our own spirits. That being the case, there's not a lot we can do to change such a self-destructive approach, except to recognize whenever we are sacrificing principles, beliefs and convictions that make us truly unique animals in exchange for an illusory desire, which in the end amounted to nothing.
Mike Masterson is a longtime Arkansas journalist. Email him at [email protected].
Editorial on 01/19/2019