Just for the record, the song "Blue Christmas" is why I'm not a rock star.
All right, so maybe a few more things are involved in an actual execution of why I'm not a rock star. For instance, I can't sing or dance or play a musical instrument and I don't look good in tight clothing. From what I've observed, the last item on the list appears to be the biggest disqualifier.
Then there's the fact that, of all the things I was totally unqualified for, yet dreamed to be -- NBA center (too short and wildly untalented), NFL running back (too slow and wildly untalented), Major League Baseball pitcher (gagged when I chewed tobacco and wildly untalented) -- singer never made the list.
I mean, if you can't really be anything you want, why waste your time being disappointed you're not something you never really wanted to be?
But, back to "Blue Christmas" and its successful killing of a dream I never had.
"Blue Christmas" was (and, potentially, if the urban legends are true, still is) the song Elvis Presley didn't want to record. There were probably others, as well, but they didn't go on to be holiday staples, played continuously in elevators all over the world this time of year.
And that's the problem, and largely the reason I'm not planning a comeback tour after my most recent stint "recovering from exhaustion." That, and the whole "lack of talent" deal.
See, whatever you may think of him, Elvis Presley was kind of a big deal. Not necessarily everyone's cup of tea, but certainly the kind of performer you'd think could call his own shots. I mean, he had fake fur on the ceiling of his house. If you've got fake fur on your ceiling, you are definitely marching to your own drummer, even if no one else can hear the music. And you don't even care.
With that in mind, you'd think that if someone came to him with a Christmas song and he didn't want to do it, well, you'd assume he'd be in a position to say, "You know, while I appreciate the deep emotional depth of the song and the subtlety of the lyrics -- particularly the 'bu, bu, bu, blue' part -- I'm going to have to pass. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go comb the fur on my ceiling and shoot out a television."
At least that might be one interpretation.
However, for some reason (that reason probably being a little ditty called contractual obligation), Elvis recorded the song. And, when for some other reason even contractual obligation can't explain, the song became a hit, he sang it. Repeatedly. Even though he desperately disliked it.
So, at those critical junctures of my young life when I elected to dream about the wild, crazy future I was in no way either talented enough for or particularly interested in, and when I got far enough down the list and ran out of other options, right after deep sea diver (tough when you can't swim) and Iditarod dog sled racer (do we have to do this outside in the snow?), I would think, "maybe rock star."
To which I would always say, "but then I might wind up in a white jumpsuit, singing 'Blue Christmas' or some other song I hate and eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Which, OK, the sandwiches, not so bad. But the jumpsuit?"
It was internal dialogue. Did you really feel like it was going to make a lot of sense?
It's Christmas. And with that comes carols. And with those come lots of weapons-grade earworm numbers, played on repeat. When they're not providing their own repeat (looking right at you, "Hallelujah Chorus").
And so, about every 15 minutes, I'm reminded that I never want to be in a situation where not only did I have to do something I really, really didn't like, but that I had to do it and act like I wanted to.
Which makes me both a little grateful and a little sad.
However, things could have been worse. The lyrics for "Blue Christmas" were written by Jay Johnson during his daily commute from New York to Connecticut. A few years later, another songwriter put pen to paper and produced a timeless ballad of love, loss, family and the holidays. Elvis never sang it, which might be a good thing.
After all, how would you like to be stuck every Christmas singing "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer?"
Commentary on 12/06/2019