GARY SMITH: Humbled by Hubble

If at first you don’t succeed, reboot

Of all the cool things people have made in the history of the world, the Hubble Telescope has to rank right up there with airplanes and soft ice cream.

Launched in 1990, the telescope continuously orbits the Earth, sending us crystal clear images of galaxies so far away they may not even be there by the time the images reach us. Which is really pretty amazing, and a little annoying when you consider all my selfies are, basically, images of my left ear.

As amazing as the Hubble is, there are certain realities of all inventions. One of those realities is they're made up of stuff. Another is, well, stuff breaks.

Such was the case a little bit ago when one of Hubble's gyroscopes started to do whatever gyroscopes do, but a little too quickly, the net of which would have turned a multi-million dollar piece of Amazing into a interstellar tilt-a-whirl. Or something like that.

When all the beautiful minds at NASA got together to consider what to do, they came up with a solution that warms the heart of anyone has ever stared endlessly at a blank cell phone screen or the infamous Pinwheel of Death on his television.

They decided to fix the gyro by ... rebooting it. Which is a sorta-techy way of saying they turned it off and then back on again.

So the smartest guys in the world thought and thought and thought and basically decided to go with the same solution as when Netflix won't load. Which probably sounded something like this:

"Gyros R Us Tech Support. This is Brandon. Can I help you?"

"Yeah, this is NASA Mission Control. Need to speak to someone about fixing the gyroscope on the Hubble Telescope."

"Well, you needed to have pushed 5 for the 'Really Incredibly Expensive and Hard to Understand Gyros' department. This is the 'Goofy Gyros That Are Part of a Desk Decoration' department. Which, no one ever calls, by the way."

"Sorry, didn't know there were that many options. Can you help me?"

"That's OK. Usually we get calls from people with questions about Greek sandwiches so, you were close. And, sure, why not, I'll take a shot."

"Imagine my confidence. Actually, you'll have to imagine it. But let's see what happens. Seems we've determined the gyro is producing erroneously high rates, so we switched from high mode to low mode and rotated the craft in an effort to remove any blockages that may have accumulated. Still nothing. Got that?'

"Nope, sorry, actually you've been on hold."

"Reading up on the problem?"

"Pizza delivery. Gotta keep the energy levels up. Now, let's see what we need to do here. Do you see the flashing lights on the router?"

"No router, and any flashing lights would be about 350 miles above the Earth's atmosphere. So, I could squint, but ..."

"OK, so have you downloaded the latest updates and are you part of our Preferred Customer Program?"

"We never got the email and we're the federal government. So, unless you'd like to talk to some fun guys from the IRS about how you really, really think those 'Fortnite' downloads are 'educational expenses,' we might need to move along here."

"Yeah, well, I guess we can skip through the paperwork on that one. So looks like we're going to have to try something radical and unique here to get our top spinning again. Sorry, gyro humor. Gonna need you to pay close attention and do exactly as I say and we might just get out of this in one piece."

"Sounds serious!"

"Actually I've got that pizza on the brain a bit. But I do need you to do what I say. Now, I need you to assemble every piece of equipment that might be available on the Huddle ..."

"Hubble"

"That, too. And I need you to bring in a white board, flip all the satellites to fix on the doohickey and command quiet in the Control Center."

"Got it."

"Now, see the panel that says 'Hubble Gyroscope Control?' I need you to crawl under there, grab the power cord, pull it out, wait 25 seconds and then plug it back in."

"Roger that."

"It's Brandon."

"No, that's just what how we ... never mind. I don't actually understand why we say that. Anyway, plugging it back in, anndddd ... it worked! The Hubble has stopped spinning around for no good reason!"

"Good deal. Now, since I've delighted you in our outstanding customer service, can I interest you in a 30-minute survey and upgrade to that Preferred Customer Program?"

"Sorry, I've got to put you on hold. Pizza's here!"

Commentary on 11/02/2018

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