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Talk is cheap.

-- No lawyer ever said

I tend to steer clear of the practice of law in this column, but now and again, I figure the elephant in the room needs an ear scratched. Over the past 20 years, I've been told many a lawyer joke -- a few of them clean enough to print.

How does a lawyer sleep?

He lies on one side, then the other.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer are asked "How much is 2 + 2?"

The housewife answers, "Four."

The accountant replies, "Probably 4, but it could be 3 or 5. Let me run the numbers."

The lawyer whispers, "How much do you want it to be?"

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

How does a pregnant woman know her baby will become a lawyer?

She craves baloney.

Why are lawyers like Arkansas tornadoes?

They're full of hot air, tear things apart and, in the end, someone loses a house trailer.

How many lawyer jokes are there?

Three. The rest are true stories.

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers fought over a penny.

Did you hear about the lawyer who went to heaven?

Me neither.

It seems no other profession is the butt of so many jokes, although politicians, used car salesmen and rabbis walking into bars rank up there pretty high. Like most humor, there's a sliver of truth that makes it funny.

Lawyers tend to be verbose. (Bless my heart, I struggle to stay at 500 words in this column.) Lawyers will argue over absolutely anything and share opinions like the measles. I've yet to meet a fellow attorney who claims to have no opinion on a given subject. Name anything -- be it kung fu fighting or guerrilla crocheting -- within earshot of a group of lawyers, and you'll get a complete dissertation from at least two learned counsel, most notably from those who have never heard of the subject. A lack of knowledge might handicap some, but not the formally educated.

But most lawyers are honorable folks who truly want to help. Like this lawyer:

A farmer asks a lawyer to file a divorce.

"Do you have any grounds?" the lawyer asks.

"Yep, 'bout 140 acres," says the farmer.

"No, I mean, do you have a case?"

"No, not a Case. Mine's a John Deere."

"I mean, do you have a grudge?"

"Yep, that's where I park my John Deere."

"No, I mean, do you have a suit?"

"Yeah, wear it to church on Sundays."

"No, sir, does your wife beat you up or something?"

"Nah, we both get up 'bout 5 a.m."

"Oh, just tell me WHY do you want to divorce your wife?"

"Well, she can't seem to hold a decent conversation."

Now, that ain't no joke.

NAN Our Town on 05/03/2018

Print Headline: Tornados and baloney

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