GARY SMITH: Reserved spontaneity

A spur-of-the-moment decision to … wait

I came to the conclusion I probably should drink more.

Yes, I know. That was certainly one of those "here's the answer, now what was the question?" moments. But as I sat there in what can best be described as the waiting area of a local restaurant, I decided the fact that I wasn't, in fact, drinking is what was making all the difference.

You see, I have a weakness for travel shows, specifically those that involve Europe and eating. And in every one of those, there are scenes upon scenes of people sitting at those tiny little tables at cafes, relaxing, enjoying the moment and drinking.

They seem happy. They seem at ease. They seem to not at all mind that they are in minute 45 of their 10-minute wait to be seated in the restaurant. And that's where the drinking comes in. Or should have.

All this is because the Lovely Mrs. Smith and I -- which is to say, I -- made a pretty classic blunder the other day. We decided to give in to an attack of spontaneity and go to brunch. We did this without reservation and without reservations, which proved to be a miscalculation. But more on that later.

And we did this without a clear idea, at least on my part, as to exactly what "brunch" is. To my mind, it's one of those "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" deals concocted by people not brave enough to admit they'd like their eggs scrambled and a drink to go with their biscuits and gravy.

"Man, I'd love a Blood Mary with my grits."

"You can't drink! It's breakfast!"

"Hmm, so how about we wait half an hour to actually eat and pretend it's sort of lunch?"

"Want a shot of Tabasco with that?"

Which also goes a long way toward explaining why there's no "linner." Because after lunch, all bets are off.

So while I'm frantically (hey, three cups of coffee into waiting for my table, let's just say I'm a little amped up here) trying to place brunch on the daily timeline (how early before it's breakfast, how late before you can drop the "br"?), I begin to realize that I'm having a little issue with time itself.

I mean, I'm familiar with the concept that time is somewhat elastic. That strict interpretation is probably fruitless, that the great clock of a universe is a mystery to all of us and that even time's passage is subject to individual circumstance. But I'm also prepared to suggest that the smiling, chipper hostess' understanding of 30 minutes and mine seems to differ. Significantly.

And it's at this point that I realize spontaneity is really great. Up until the point where you have to be spontaneous.

All this is aided and abetted by the realization that, thanks to a proliferation of apps and services and all sorts of modern technology, getting a jump on the line has never been easier. That is, if you actually get around to using them. But that would require not being quite as spontaneous. And being able to find your phone, load the app, make the reservation, cancel it because you realize you made it for the wrong day, re-book the reservation and then dash madly to the restaurant because the only available time was 10 minutes from when you hit "send."

And, when you get there, finding out the restaurant is "on wait." Which is a nice way of saying "you'll eat when you eat. Have a mimosa."

However, on the off chance reservations actually mean something in this crazy world, making one would also keep you from getting neck strain from turning the laser eye on everyone who comes in after you and waltzes to a table. Which doesn't seem like something I'd be doing if I were sitting at some sidewalk café in Paris. Because if there's one thing we Americans understand, it's no cutting in line. Even if the app Open Table said you could.

In any discussion about the advantages of the US of A in comparison to Europe, the ultimate fallback position is that we hauled the continent's bacon out of the fire in not one but two world wars. Which may be a fairly childish way to settle an argument, but may illustrate why I should just settle down and get my bacon when my table is ready.

But maybe I will have that drink.

Commentary on 10/12/2018

Upcoming Events