"Hurry! Get the bacon. Get the almonds. Get the pork rinds! It's gonna snow!"
That's what I posted on Facebook on Monday as a threat of snow loomed over Arkansas ... snow with which, one forecast said, we may be stuck for a little while.
This being Arkansas, the amount expected was a tiny fraction of the couple of building stories worth of snow in Erie, Pa. But there threatened to be enough ... enough that, so I overheard, the major grocery chain was already about out of bread and milk at one of its locations.
Which confirmed my feeling that this time of year is a good time to be laying off carbohydrates.
Milk has 12 grams of carbs, Google reveals. According to Fatsecret.com, various breads have around the same per slice; put two slices together, and you get anywhere from 20-30 carbs.
No thanks.
I climbed back on the ketogenic (high fat/moderate protein/very low carbohydrate) eating wagon Jan. 2, having fallen off rather ignominiously some time ago. As the luster of the eating plan has not worn off so far, I could sit and be glad that I wouldn't be competing for these two items that, seemingly, are the only things Southerners consume when there's a threat of a flake of snow. Well, actually, milk and bread are two of a Snow Threat Trinity, the third item being nonfood-y but necessary: Toilet paper. There's also the Snow Threat Quadruplet of milk, bread, eggs and toilet paper.
"Is there something about snowstorms that makes us want to eat French toast and sit on the toilet?" asks a January 2017 story by Lisa Respers France at Cnn.com. "With every predicted blizzard, there's a mad dash to load up on milk, bread, eggs and toilet paper. But why those particular items? ... These items are the first to disappear from store shelves when the dreaded s-word is mentioned."
According to France's story and her sources, the habit goes back to New England residents and the blizzard of 1978, a storm of the century that left people home-bound so long that Donner party fates threatened; and people being advised to buy what they needed in case of being snowbound (toilet paper sort of topping the list).
For keto eaters and low-carbers, the must-needs list in case of snowbound-ness would differ somewhat.
Granted, we would compete with the bread-and-milkers for bath tissue and the nearly zero-carb eggs. But after that, our panicked trips to the grocery store would diverge.
For one, we'd be fighting each other over the bacon. The best news a new keto eater could ever hear is that bacon (preferably nitrate-free) is allowed on the menu. It's a welcome sight and a satisfying substitute at those breakfast buffets at which we have to turn our eyes from the toast, pancakes, syrup, jelly and pastries.
The second thing we'd war over falls in the dairy category, but it wouldn't be milk. It would be butter ... especially that of the grass-fed variety. Butter but no bread? Well, we'd then fight over the coffee, because after all, we need something to put that butter in to make the much debated bullet-proof coffee, a low-carb concoction of coffee, grass-fed, butter and MCT oil, mixed in a blender. We'd then burrow our way through the hordes headed to the milk aisle to pick up one of the best can-haves when low-carbing: Cheese, wonderful cheese!
We'd also be the ones emptying the store of kale, avocados and green-leaf lettuce as well as raw cauliflower to make our "keto rice." A grocery store that had been raided by snow-panicking keto eaters would have its outer aisles empty of everything but fruits and starchy veggies. Next we'd raid the meat, just about all of which we can have. So, you get the milk and the bread; we're gonna get the beef! The pork! The octopus (well, it has 3 grams of carbs for a 3.5-ounce serving).
We'd let the milk-and-bread bunch have the beer, but we'd be willing to fight for the pinot grigio, sauvignon blanc and chardonnay (3.2, 2.7 and 3.7 carbs, respectively), according to "The Ultimate Keto Alcohol Guide," posted at Tastaholics.com. Finally, we might grab some unsweetened almond milk along with some coconut or almond flour to make keto bread.
However, chances are we'll be the ones spending so long in the store as we read labels and hunt for ingredients for low-carb dishes, we'll get caught out in the snow.
Quick! Get the natural peanut butter! Get the cream cheese. And grab those pork rinds!
Style on 01/21/2018