It's the occasion I look forward to more than my birthday, the Fourth of July and New Year's Eve all rolled into one.
The season premiere of a new season of ABC's The Bachelor/The Bachelorette! The Bachelorette, starring 32-year-old Dallas lawyer Rachel Lindsay -- the franchise's first black lead -- debuted last week and airs at 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC.
(And there are even more premieres coming up! This summer brings another installment of Bachelor in Paradise, featuring Arkansan Raven Gates, who vied for vile Nick Viall's heart on The Bachelor last season. Coming up in February to compete with NBC's Olympics coverage: The Bachelor Winter Games! We're sure they'll still find a way to incorporate skimpy, seasonally inappropriate bikinis.)
I live for these shows. I love the cheesy camp- and prop-filled introductions. And the drunkards who are naked and in the pool before the end of the first cocktail party. And the dates that always require a helicopter and/or hot tub. And the villains who are "not here to make friends." And the cat-fighting. And the man tears. And the uncomfortable family introductions ("So you're sleeping with my daughter and a bunch of other men's daughters?"). And host/glass-clinker/rose-counter Chris Harrison's hyperbolic promises that the action you're about to see is the most dramatic. Ever!
But before all that can happen, there's the juicy reveal of the contestant bios. I especially enjoy their careers.
There are people with "real jobs" -- teachers, real estate agents, firefighters -- who appear on the show. And hopefully they are still employable when they're dumped. But even if they compromise all integrity and hire-ability, there's always a spot in Paradise. Best case scenario: They're selected as the next Bachelor/Bachelorette and find love, or at least temporary stardom and a gig on Dancing With the Stars that they can milk for a while.
Then there are the professional pretty people -- the personal trainers, models and aspiring entertainers who could possibly benefit from the exposure. Or at least from the free room and board for a few weeks.
And then there are people with Bachelor jobs. Each season there are Bachelor franchise contestants listing nonsensical careers for which there are no bachelor degrees.
This time, it's 31-year-old Jonathan. His occupation: "Tickle Monster." The Florida resident with a fixation for tickling is actually a doctor -- one with an Arkansas connection. Jonathan Treece is a graduate of Arkansas State University and the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences. Somehow he tickled Rachel's fancy enough to stay around another week.
And then there's contestant Lucas. The 30-year-old's occupation is listed as "Whaboom." To our best knowledge, that isn't a word, let alone a vocation. To explain, Harrison was quoted as saying that "Whaboom" is "a lifestyle. It's an essence. It's who [Lucas] is. It's a noun, it's a verb, it's an adverb."
We also imagine its the sound employers' doors make when they're slammed in loudmouth Lucas' face.
"Tickle Monster" and "Whaboom" are just the newest "Hipster," "Manscaper" and "Free Spirit" -- all of which have been contestants' occupations.
There was that tiara-wearing Erica whose occupation was "Socialite." Sisters Emily and Haley had their occupations listed as "Twin" (they also got their own spinoff show on the Freeform channel, so we'd say they are totally Twinning!).
Merely loving animals counted as a career in the Bachelorsphere where "Dog Lover" and "Chicken Enthusiast" have been listed as jobs.
Heck, just loving the Bachelor in itself is a career, as one guy was simply labeled "Bachelor Superfan." How in the world does one make a living just obsessing over The Bachelor?
Oh -- "Whaboom!" -- here I am doing it right now!
I'm a superfan of your email:
Spin Cycle is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 05/28/2017