What's in a Dame

Feuding can be so much fun

Susan Sarandon is Bette Davis (left) and Jessica Lange is Joan Crawford in FX’s Feud: Bette and Joan. New episodes air at 9 p.m. Sunday on FX; catch past episodes at fxnetworks.com/shows/feud.
Susan Sarandon is Bette Davis (left) and Jessica Lange is Joan Crawford in FX’s Feud: Bette and Joan. New episodes air at 9 p.m. Sunday on FX; catch past episodes at fxnetworks.com/shows/feud.

Today let's try a TV show mashup.

Feud: Bette and Joan -- FX's juicy new anthology series about the catfighting between legendary film actresses Bette Davis and Joan Crawford (the original Beverly Hills housewives! ) while on the set of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? -- meets game show Family Feud. Invite over your most fabulous Feud-binging friends and divide into teams.

Let's play the Feud Family Feud!

The answers are on the board (OK, well, they're down below with points assigned). Here are the questions:

1. What do you do when a younger, more blond and more buxom "It Girl" takes your rightful spotlight and wins at an award show? Survey says ...

• Smile and be gracious. You're so happy to see a new talent succeed. (Zero points! You've clearly never watched one second of Feud!)

• Hiss with a slur that you too have the same body parts, but "don't thhhhhrow themmmm in everyone-shhh facccccce!" (20 points)

• Stagger out in a tipsy fit and then later insist you only drank Pepsi that night, after all you are -- hiccup -- the soft drink's brand ambassador; your late husband, well one of them, was the CEO. (30 points)

• Feed the gossip columnist who showed up unannounced a scandalous quote about said "It Girl" -- "I think that (she) and the vulgarity of her clothing and pictures is ruining this great industry that I love" -- so she won't print the ugly truth about you. And she'll leave you alone to nurse -- ow, your aching head! -- your hangover. (50 points)

2. What do you do when times are lean at your sprawling estate? Survey says ...

• Sell off your plastic-covered furniture, one custom-made piece at a time. (20 points)

• Don't pay the help. Just recruit your eager fans do the work for free while you lounge by the pool. (30 points)

• Make a movie. Find a book worthy of a script, well, have your German maid do it. Then link up with your nemesis -- that ingrate who never thanked you for flowers you once sent -- and drink a lot to make the project happen. (50 points)

3. What's one thing women can do to look their best? Survey says ...

• Have a beautician who makes house calls slather cream on you as you criticize your crepe-y neck: "Is there anything we can do about these lines? I'm afraid I'm going to be served for Thanksgiving Dinner." (30 points)

• Take many deep breaths ... of cigarettes. (30 points)

• Obsessively rub your elbows with lemons and splash your face with witch hazel (which contains alcohol) cooled by the ice you keep in your bathroom mini fridge (which also contains alcohol). (40 points)

4. Finish this sentence: Marriage is .... Survey says ...

• Something every woman should try. Four times. (20 points)

• Nowhere near as fulfilling as a fling with Oscar, as in the award. (20 points)

• The ultimate revenge done "out of spite" when your nemesis tries to steal your boyfriend. Even if you do end up divorcing. (20 points)

• No reason to keep a boring man on your stage, vows be darned. Fire that deadbeat. (40 points)

5. How do you make a great impression on the job? Survey says ...

• Install a cola machine in the workplace. Have you mentioned that you are the brand's ambassador? Have a Pepsi today! (10 points)

• Bring wrapped gifts for all your co-workers in a wagon pulled by your maid. So they'll owe you favors. (20 points)

• Stay hydrated. With a swig of hooch first thing in the morning. (30 points)

• Dress to be noticed. Even if it's only by your nemesis, who will complain you're wearing falsies and too much lipstick when you're supposed to be playing a wheelchair-bound recluse. (40 points)

6. What do you put on the table when you're having guests over? Survey says ...

• Scotch for one guest. An empty glass for the other one who took no chances and brought her own flask of 100-proof vodka. (20 points)

• A tape recorder. You invited only two adversaries to this uncomfortable dinner party so they'd say nasty things about each other for your gossip column. (30 points)

• Some fishy gelatin mold called aspic. No one will put down their tobacco or booze to eat it, so you're helping them stay slim. (50 points)

7. Name a way to improve a strained relationship. Survey says ...

• Refer to the person by a nickname. Try the name she used before she was famous and scrubbing toilets! (25 points)

• Share things in an effort to connect. When you go to create an over-the-top look for your demented character, intentionally use a wig your nemesis once used years earlier. (25 points)

• Get out your aggression with exercise. Of course, her head just might get in the way of your foot when you do a powerful kick. (50 points)

Stay tuned, and we'll play another version of Feud Family Feud when the next season of the FX series premieres in 2018: Feud: Charles and Diana.

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What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.

Style on 03/14/2017

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