Handling kids of addicts with kid gloves

Opening up to your children about your addiction or that of a loved one is kind of like telling them about the birds and the bees. You want to be honest and informative, yes, but you want to tailor the details to their age, comprehension level and comfort. Their comfort, not yours, because discussing what you or other family members are going through now -- or went through in the past -- is bound to be painful for you.

"It's uncomfortable, but what's the alternative?" asks William Cope Moyers, vice president of public affairs and community relations at the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, an addiction treatment center in Chicago.

"In this age, with social media omnipotent, I believe professionally and personally that the time to talk to our children is when they are beginning to engage in social media. ... By the age of 10, most children in this country have been exposed to the world of the internet -- the bad, the good, the ugly.

"We as a generation, particularly us baby boomers, not only need to admit we inhaled but that, for some of us, inhaling or taking that drink or taking that pain medication led to a spiral into the grip of a real illness," says Moyers, who is the author of several books, including his 2005 memoir, Broken: My Story of Addiction and Redemption.

Uncertain how to proceed? You aren't alone.

Jerry Moe, national director of the children's program for Hazelden Betty Ford, says parents and grandparents struggle with this problem every day. Moe recommends that parents contact a children's counselor for advice on how to have the conversation.

"To me, as a children's counselor, I want to give boys and girls enough information to validate their experience," Moe says, "but not so much they end up confused and overwhelmed."

Create "a sense of safety and trust," says Brian J. Maus, director of addiction prevention and mentoring programs for The Moyer Foundation, a Philadelphia-based agency that operates, among other services, a program for children ages 9 to 12 who have a family member struggling with substance abuse. The foundation has 12 Camp Mariposa locations across the United States. (The New Orleans area camps are the closest to Little Rock.)

Maus says you need to be open and honest. Kids will pick up on it if you try to "sugarcoat things," he adds. Help the child identify his or her feelings.

"Talk to the child about your addiction," he says. "What was it like for them? What did they notice? How did they feel?"

Whenever you decide it's time for the talk about addiction with your child, here are some points to consider.

1. It's not the child's fault. "That's the most important message," says Sis Wenger, president and chief executive officer of the National Association for Children of Alcoholics based in Kensington, Md. Children, she says, may view the addictive parent's behavior as being triggered by something they have done.

"It's never their fault," she says. "Their job is to be a child."

2. Addiction is an illness. Tailor that message to the age of the child. A 5-year-old won't understand it if you refer to it as a "brain disease," Wenger says, but will understand if you say, "Daddy is ill, and what he says is part of why he's sick."

"Addiction is a disease," Maus says. "Talk about it in terms of diabetes, cancer, heart disease."

Moe likes to use three words for addiction when talking with kids. The first is "stuck," and the analogy used is gum stuck in one's hair -- and how hard it is to get the gum out. The second is "hook," with the analogy being that of a fish on a hook that "gets so focused on getting free that everything else in life is secondary." The third is "trapped" and how even a big powerful bear is powerless when snared in a trap.

3. Learn to speak up. Encourage children to talk to a trusted adult if they feel sad or mad. That person could be a school social worker, a grandmother, a "safe person, a safe adult," Wenger says. Tell children that if that chosen adult can't seem to help, they should not give up. Find someone else.

4. Don't pick it up. Wenger and Moyers noted that children of alcoholics and addicts have a higher risk of abusing substances.

"If you never pick up a drink or a drug, you can never get that disease, which is making you unhappy," says Wenger, noting this is a message that needs to be told early and consistently.

5. Ask for help. While Moyers says his children were warned about the risks they faced, he also "realistically embraced the fact they were going to be teenagers." Teenagers are likely to experiment, he says, and some are going to become dependent on substances.

"The most important message you can convey is it's OK to ask for help," Moyers says.

6. Encourage self-care. "You can have [mothers and fathers who are addicts], but that doesn't mean you have to remain unhealthy," Moyers says. "You, as a child, must take care of your mind, spirit and body."

7. You are loved. Addiction can have a cycle of relapse and recovery, Maus notes, but what's important to make clear to the child is that he or she is loved, no matter what.

Family on 06/28/2017

Upcoming Events