As I write this, I'm trying to find a gift for that particular, picky Diet Pepsi-swilling, ketchup-eating Yankee.
Or as I call him, Dad.
It's never easy shopping for someone so set in his ways. Tech gifts? The man still pays for an AOL account.
And it's equally difficult buying Father's Day gifts for those who don't do those fatherly sort of fishing, hunting, golfing, grilling and camping things. Dad served in Vietnam; any enthusiasm for outdoor activities ended there.
So here I am Googling and glancing through online gift guides for just the perfect, personal and thoughtful gift. Which at this point is anything reasonably priced -- after all, he's the one who taught me frugality firsthand -- with speedy, preferably free, shipping.
I stumbled onto and scrolled through a BuzzFeed list of last-minute gifts for Father's Day.
A grilling kit and "The Grillfather" apron for barbecuing fathers with mobster aspirations? Probably not a good look for a German-Irish guy who pours ketchup on pulled pork. And eats ribs -- wince -- with a knife and fork.
A Fitbit? I bought one for him a couple of years ago. I'm pretty sure his enthusiasm for it already bit the dust.
An Amazon Fire TV Stick? Now, he does have an Amazon Echo (Alexa), not that he often remembers to use it and sounds like those people in the Saturday Night Live Amazon Echo Silver parody commercial ("Allegra, Anita, Odessa, Aretha, Excedrin ...") when he does remember. With the Fire TV Stick, he could "Enjoy over 15,000 apps, games, and Alexa skills including Netflix, Hulu, HBO NOW, YouTube, Amazon Video, NBC, WatchESPN, Disney, and more." Perhaps one day. After he masters programming the VCR.
A portable device charger? A nice idea. For someone who isn't always turning off his mobile phone, thus saving battery life and defeating the whole purpose of having a phone.
The combination mini-bottle-opener-and-beard comb hybrid? That's for the hip craft-beer dad. Not my square Miller Lite (with easy-twist caps) Dad.
A set of two odor eliminators? Really, BuzzFeed? Never. Oh, I'm sure at least one pair of his shoes -- like those sneakers he has owned since 1979 -- could use them. But I could use an inheritance.
A heat-changing cup featuring HBO Game of Thrones characters? As if my father would ever pay for premium cable! Do they make mugs for American Pickers or anyone else from the History channel?
A cold brew system? Again, he drinks only Miller Lite. Oh, wait, this is for coffee. He already has a perfectly good coffeemaker -- probably from Circuit City, back when it was still open. Besides, I can just hear him now, "If I wanted something cold, I'd just drink a Diet Pepsi. Why in the heck would anyone want to drink cold coffee?" Only he wouldn't say heck.
A "Best Dad Ever" shirt that comes in eight colors and sizes S through 5X? Paired with the sentimental fill-in-the-blank What I Love About Dad journal? He would just think I wanted something.
Now here is something I actually could get him: a travel passport wallet/document organizer holder. He has been bitten by the travel bug in recent years, and he's always on a cruise to somewhere. It looks handy, and there are plenty of slots for cards.
Which means plenty of space for my picture. Maybe if I slip one in, maybe the Best Dad Ever will remember to take me next time!
Happy Father's Day to my Dad and you/yours! Email:
Spin Cycle is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 06/18/2017