DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My 82-year-old mother has been subsidizing my sister's extravagant lifestyle for years. "Jessica" eats only all-natural and gluten-free foods (not that she has celiac disease or any other health issues) and dines only at expensive restaurants -- all on Mom's dime. Meanwhile, Mom continues to work full time and pays my sister close to $200,000 a year to be her part-time "assistant," a fake job if ever there was one. Plus, when Jessica did a $250,000 restoration on her own home, Mom picked up the entire tab. How can I put an end to my sister's freeloading? I'm disgusted by the situation, but I don't know what to do about it. By the way, there's no quid pro quo here: My sister isn't looking after Mom or helping her in some other way.
-- Anonymous
DEAR ANONYMOUS: The problem isn't simply that your sister's a freeloader. There are parents who enjoy what amounts to infantilizing their adult offspring, and unfortunately your mother sounds like one of them. You can talk to her and you can talk to Jessica until you're blue in the face, but the sad truth is, your mother is unlikely to change her stripes, and Jessica is unlikely to have a character transplant. Why would they, when both of them are happy with things the way they are?
So concentrate instead on how you're going to handle your sister after your octogenarian mother passes on. Freeloaders like Jessica require freeloadees, and you don't want her looking to you to bankroll her organic champagne tastes.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My wife is in a memory-care facility that prohibits gratuities to staff. But it does encourage residents' family members to contribute to a fund, the proceeds of which are shared among all of the employees. My question is: How much should I contribute to this fund? Ten percent of the $6,000 monthly fee for my wife's care? Twenty percent? I don't want to be cheap, but I'm on a fixed income and don't want to run into trouble paying my own bills down the road. Also, is it OK to occasionally slip $20 or $50 to a caregiver who's been especially nice to my wife?
-- Uncertain
DEAR UNCERTAIN: Forget about the side tips; there are good reasons why facilities like this ban them. For one, they don't want residents to be, in effect, bidding against one another for attention. And they don't want their staff concentrating their efforts on the better tippers. So honor the rule.
As for the fund, there's no reason to base your gift on the monthly fee. Tipping as a percent of the bill is appropriate for a $100 dinner, not for a charge 60 times larger. Instead, ask others who have relatives at the facility how much they generally give. Also, talk to the front office and find out roughly how much was collected for the fund last year. Divide that number by the number of residents in the facility, and you'll know where to start in thinking about how much you want to give.
Please email your questions about money, ethics and relationships to
Family on 01/04/2017