Q My ex and I were married for 14 years before he told me he was gay. I had no idea and I was severely shaken -- not because he was gay -- but because I knew that meant the end of our life as we knew it. Valentine's Day was our anniversary. We are still quite good friends, albeit bittersweet at times, and I like his partner very much. They do everything they can do to keep me in the loop and co-parent with a vengeance. But, each time Valentine's Day rolls around I feel such a sense of loss, and I feel terrible that my children's parents had to break up. Can you suggest a few tips to deal with this situation? Some tips to help my kids?
A Your situation has some unique components, but the fact remains true -- breaking up, for no matter what reason, is hard to do -- and your children follow your lead. This is not to say that for their benefit you should act like you don't care or that you should act like you care so much you're devastated. It means you set an example by openly dealing with it as best you can. You let your kids see you get new hobbies, or go to therapy, or get sober, or reach out to friends, but you set the example of coping. You may falter at times. That's human, but you let your kids see you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over.
You asked how to cope. Reframing -- my favorite thing to do when faced with a situation that seems unbearable -- may help you to see that there are some very positive things about your situation.
First, all moral judgments aside:
1. Your relationship has changed, but you continue to interact with your children's father positively. That allows you to problem solve together in the best interest of your children.
2. Your kids witness their parents being kind to each other -- that's far better for their emotional and physical health than witnessing ongoing conflict.
3. Your ex's new partner supports your co-parenting and all of you strive to keep each other in the loop in regards to schooling, medical, dental, etc.
You asked how to help your kids. It sounds as if you are both committed to having the best possible outcome for your children. Can't get any better than that. ("Put the children first." -- That's ex-etiquette rule No. 1.)
For the record, I often caution people about getting married on a holiday. Holidays can be filled with lovely family traditions and memories, but if there is a break-up, that holiday also can become a trigger for sadness. Have a lovely Christmas wedding, but get a divorce and Christmas may not be that merry for a while. You have seen it now with Valentine's Day.
Finally, time really does help, but if you find too much time passing and you're still struggling, don't be afraid to reach out to a professional. Seeking help helps you, of course, but it also offers your children a proactive example for problem solving. That's good parenting and good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
Family on 02/15/2017