This can be considered a Part Two, of sorts, to last week's column about Telephone Annoyorists: legitimate companies who bombard via mail and online.
It has long been a rule of advertising that when you buy one thing from a company, said company will get all excited not only at the fact that it made money off you, but the possibility that it can make even more. That rule has been around probably since that first ancient Egyptian wigmaker realized the hirsute goldmine he or she was sitting on and waited impatiently for somebody to invent the first papyrus magazine-advertising insert.
Fast-forward to today, when online shoppers find their email addresses are demanded within two seconds of visiting online e-tailers and find that any merchandise they browsed will appear months afterward in the margins of their favorite social-media and news websites ... wedged somewhere near the scantily-clad-woman clickbait.
So why did I ever give one of these commemorative-item mail-order companies an inch, knowing their tendency to take a mile? I refer to those companies whose inserts are forever falling out of magazines or arriving packaged with internet-ordered clothing and offering items that can be paid for in installments.
Saigon fell, and I did too. It all started with my late mother's modest wedding set ... a set whose disappearance I lamented some columns back.
In search of an inexpensive-but-nice replacement, I turned to a company that offers everything from realistic-looking baby dolls and Thomas Kinkade collector plates to National Football League Christmas ornaments, theme apparel (yes, there's an Elvis purse) and jewelry that can be "personalized for free."
This particular company's jewelry includes wedding sets, most priced between $100-$200, made of sterling silver with small real diamonds or trademarked, expensive-looking imitation ones. I fell in deep like with a platinum-plated set that would have cost more than the current Talkmobile had the metal been gold and the stones real.
I'm happy enough with the purchase that I'm contemplating ordering another wedding set. That is, if the company doesn't run me off by bombarding me with more brochures and catalogs. The latter featured a fair number of the aforementioned baby dolls, some of which breathe, coo, curl their fingers around people's fingers, crawl and have heartbeats. (Fans of these "reborn babies" reportedly include women mourning the loss of a child. I am sympathetic, but have also seen/heard of a few too many scary movies involving dolls.)
I'm also bombarded with online margin ads from the company, which is probably busily trying to figure out a way to get into my dreams. Of course such companies sell customers' information to their cronies, who also decimate entire forests per each prospective customer in their brochure madness.
The husband fell into the same trap with another company. The item he yearned for was a book, available for monthly payment installments, that commemorates the legacy of one of his heroes. The book is leather-bound, personalized, comes in a fancy sleeve and has 22-karat gold accents inlaid in the spine, gilded page ends (and, you'd think, a chorus of angels singing every time the book is opened). In the weeks between Dre eagerly placing his order and receiving his book, he became the recipient of a steady stream of nicely packaged come-hither brochures advertising additional gewgaws commemorating the same person -- an autographed photo (naturally), a coin collection, a framed stamp set and, in case he'd like to get in touch with his feminine side, a charm bracelet.
We can only laugh and look at the bright side: At least these brochures aren't the spoofed spammer calls I lamented last week. Another advantage: They're slightly more welcome in the ol' mailbox than bills. We just need to keep our merchandise ordering in check so that the former won't expand into the latter.
Even the Annoying Legitimate Advertiser Brochure Senders, along with the Telephone Annoyorists, have a valuable life's lesson to offer: Never give up hope. Mom's wedding set may turn up yet.
Commemorative Let's Talk 30th-anniversary merchandise coming up in 2019! Meanwhile, email:
Style on 04/16/2017