Gary Smith: Don't be like that guy

Certain behaviors point to an addiction to jerkiness

So, according to the state of Minnesota, I've been wrong all these years. You're not a jerk.

OK, I never thought ALL of you were jerks. Just those guys, the ones who, when everyone else is merging right, stay in the left lane all the way through to the orange barrels, then find some hapless soul who will let them into the lane, thereby cutting the line in front of everyone else who has been waiting for what seems like hours.

Yeah, THOSE those guys.

The guys who have seen more birds than Alfred Hitchcock. The guys who have heard more horns than the conductor of the New York Philharmonic. The guys who, if we are all the sum of our parts, get identified as just one, seldom-seen body part we all have.

Yep. The guys who are monumental, of-Biblical-proportions, king-sized with a capital "J" jerks.

Not only that, their jerk-ness is a fact upon which we all, regardless of race, creed, sex, religion or national origin, can agree. Which makes them, in the spirit of this great land of ours, equal-opportunity jerks.

Here's a question that may have been edited out of last Monday's presidential debate:

Lester Holt: "People who pass everyone, then cut over in a construction zone. Are they jerks?"

Hillary (shimmying): "Whoo, Lester, if you go to my website, you'll see a 47-page policy statement I have in fact memorized that says, yes, they're jerks."

Donald: "Yuge jerks. Yyyyuuuge. The greatest. The bigliest."

So, in some significant way, the jerkiness of people who pull this stunt is a unifying factor in a country ripped asunder by our differences. Except, we're all wrong. I mean, specifically, about this, not just in general. Though, some of you ...

Anyway, people who pull this stunt, loathsome as it may be, are in fact practicing something called "Zipper Merging." It's an idea not only condoned but recommended by no less than Ken Johnson, an engineer from the Minnesota State Department of Work Zone, Pavement Marking and Traffic Devices. Yes, the dreaded MSDWZPMTD (which I think is actually the noise some people make when they snore).

According to Johnson, who has the single-most Minnesota-ish name ever, "zipper merging" consists of having cars stay in both lanes, as the Good Lord and Henry Ford intended, until the barrels actually force them to merge into one lane. Like the teeth of a zipper. Hence the name. I mean, what else did you think it meant?

Anyway, zipper merging is supposed to increase construction-zone driving efficiency by 35 percent. Which means that, instead of spending All of Eternity in the traffic jam caused by building highways, you'll only lose all your good years.

This, of course, implies that all of us will sit still (very still, as in, stuck-in-traffic-still) for this. And that zippers are a model of efficiency and not something in which you get your shirttail stuck, so you wind up looking like your cousin, who also starts each and every day of his life with a large can of malt liquor.

It also means that one of the very foundational, bedrock principles of our sense of right and wrong has been fundamentally challenged. If someone who will pull this stunt isn't a jerk, then, what does it take to be one? What are we supposed to believe?

I've given this a lot of thought (since I drive on Interstate 49, I have lots of time on my hands) and I've decided that while this landmark of lowlife-ness might be gone, there are still new depths of human behavior to which people can and do sink.

For instance, the guy who uses his grandmother's sticker to justify parking his monster truck in a disabled spot, and winds up so close to the line that he is, in fact, taking up two places while he runs in to grab a six-pack. Yep, jerk.

Anyone using the drive-through line to order food at Sonic during Happy Hour or individual coffees for the entire 20-person office at 7:20 a.m. at Starbucks. Over-caffeinated jerk with extra bacon and tater tots.

The guy who won't hold the door for children, older people or women, particularly those shepherding children and older people. Up north holding the door might be a micro-aggression. Down here, not doing it makes you a maxi-jerk.

Cell phone users in movies. Yep, I know, it was important. You were so close to winning in "Candy Crush." Your phone screen is blinding. As is your jerkiness.

Anyone who cusses refs at a pee wee athletic game. People who roll their eyes and huff while an older person checks out in front of them. People who accidentally call your cell phone number, hang up and then get huffy when you call back. You are all a Basket of Jerkicity.

So go ahead, take away the cornerstone. The beauty of the human condition is that, for many people, petty, selfish acts of childishness and advantage-taking are baked in. It just takes knowing where to look.

And even Ken Johnson can't take that away from us.

Commentary on 09/30/2016

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