When I was a faculty member at a university in Connecticut, one of our leaders was a man from the Middle East who was autocratic, domineering and downright mean. If he didn't like what you said in a meeting, he would stand up over you, pound his fist on the table and yell. He intended to be intimidating. I disliked him intensely and felt bullied. I avoided him at all costs. Others felt the same.
I've run into a handful of leaders like this in my career, and they make your life miserable. And please understand that my dislike was not because of his country of origin, it was because of his behavior. There was another colleague from the same country who was collaborative and supportive and was a good friend. I was trying to live in alignment with my spiritual values, which include being nonjudgmental and compassionate, but I was finding it difficult.
Compassion Fayetteville
Then I read about a compassion exercise, titled "Just Like Me." It suggested, if there was a person in your life or work who was extremely difficult, you could bring him to mind and sit in meditation or prayer and make these following five statements. Each statement is made quietly to yourself as you think of this person. Sit with that statement for a few minutes before going on to the next. The statements are:
• Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his life.
• Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his life.
• Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.
• Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his needs.
• Just like me, this person is learning about life.
I decided to try this exercise, and it was extremely challenging. My gut got tight as I said these words and sat with them. But I stayed in my contemplative state as best I could and continued with the exercise. Over the next few days, I would remember some of these statements and my prayerful intention to find some compassion for him -- or at least for me not to feel so angry and fearful in his presence. I dreaded our next department meeting, but did the "Just Like Me" exercise before walking in.
The room was quiet as our team waited for him to arrive. When he came in, he was more subdued than usual. He began the meeting by apologizing to us for not being around much and for being distracted recently. He told us that his sister and brother-in-law had been killed in a house fire two months before and that their children had been saved. The children now lived with him, and he was dealing with all of the aftermath of this major tragedy.
All of us in the group immediately shifted to a place of compassion and understanding. I was impressed by my colleagues in the way they immediately asked about what the family needed -- food, clothes, toys? The children had lost everything and, while you can't do anything about the terrible grief and loss that they were feeling, you could offer blankets or stuffed animals or a pre-cooked meal for the freezer. It was an amazing shift of perspective and emotion to experience going from extreme dislike to compassion.
When we moved to Fayetteville in 2009, we met a musician on the square named Dennis Collins. As musicians ourselves, we were eager to connect to other singer-songwriters and to share music. Dennis asked us if we had met Nick Masullo before he passed away from multiple sclerosis, but we had not. Nick had died before we moved here. Dennis told us about what a wonderful musician and human being Nick was and how the community pulled together to support Nick and his wife Ginny, as Nick declined. There was a whole team of people who signed up for shifts to be there to help Nick get into and out of bed, to bring him his guitar or other things he wanted and to keep him company. Dennis didn't know Nick well, but he was part of that team and told me that he treasured that opportunity to be of service to this wonderful man.
I was deeply touched by this story, and I think we all want to be a part of a community that shows up and responds when someone is in need. Since that time, I have heard story after story of ways in which our city is a compassionate city. Fayetteville applied to an international organization to receive the official designation of a Compassionate City and received it easily. I encourage you to Google "Compassion Fayetteville" to learn about all the meaningful things that are going on. The month of March is Compassion Fayetteville Month by a mayor's proclamation, and there are many wonderful ways to be involved.
I especially want to recognize and honor Pattie Williams and Dian and Ed Williams, who have passionately stepped up to create a sacred container for the increased expression of compassion in Fayetteville. As one of the events this month, they invited me to give a free presentation on Edgewalkers and compassion March 26 at the Fayetteville Public Library. Please check the Compassion Fayetteville website for details about this event and the many other rich events in our community.
Meanwhile, I invite you to notice -- just notice -- when you feel compassion and when you don't. And perhaps, you'll even give the "Just Like Me" exercise a try occasionally. I hope you do.
NAN Religion on 03/12/2016