A friend of mine and I were talking at a charity function the other day when he told me that at a silent auction, he had once paid $75 for a basket of flashlights.
So, the obvious questions are: Just how many flashlights would that be, exactly, and what do you do with a basket full of them?
Answers: A lot and, you make sure every member of your family has one safely stored in every possible place a person could put a flashlight, on the off chance that, at some point, the lights are going out and they'll need it.
So, he started sprinkling flashlights around his home, cars and boat in generally the same fashion a luminarilymotivated, somewhat demented Easter Bunny might. It's not quite a Chicken in Every Pot. More like a flashlight in every drawer, closet, glove box, cubby hole, tool box, storage unit, purse and flat spot that might look like it needs an emergency light source.
Now, some of you might find that just a tiny little bit of overkill, and I can understand. But men with wives and children are probably reading that and thinking, "a whole basket full, huh? Sweet!"
And, given that Sunday is Father's Day, it's worth noting that in that one basket is contained the entire ethos of fatherhood. Or, it's the ultimate Dad Move. Take your pick. If a father's responsibility is to guide his offspring on the Path of Life, well, at least his kids will be able to find that path in the dark.
Because this is what dads (and in a lot of cases these days, moms) do. It's how they roll, typically in a mini-van with lots of stickers on the back.
Dads both know you need proof of insurance, and where it is in the car, along with the registration and owner's manual, which will tell you how to change a flat tire. Of course, it will be years (say, when you have your own children) before you to know how to do that, because they're going to get up in the middle of the night and handle it, anyway. In the rain.
Dads will be there when the extremely delayed plane lands, the last bus shows up or the movie finally lets out. I mean, what else were they going to do, sit at home and worry?
They have the oldest car, the worst phone and the smallest chance of ever getting any of the sodas they bought for the family fridge. And if you're 4 and drop your ice cream, well, they had already had all of theirs they wanted anyway, so, here you go.
They sing badly, dance horribly, and would rather be doing anything other than sitting on rock-hard bleachers watching a dance recital, high school play, talent show or make-up JV soccer game. Except when you're out there. Then, there's no place they'd rather be.
They'll kill (often very inelegantly) and dispose of the bug or the mouse or the snake or whatever other varmint is threatening general peace and tranquility. OK, it might take a while and you'll begin to wonder if getting that fly isn't becoming the sort of obsession usually reserved for white whales. But sooner or later the job gets done.
And they'll also sit with you in silence when it's that time for your pet. And if he cries a little, well, he was his dog, too.
You will hear their words coming out of your mouth, see them when you pass a mirror, realize you're resting your arm on top of your head or peering over your glasses and know you've seen that before.
If you need a kidney, they'll give you one. Heck, if you need a heart, they'll give you one. Why not? You've already got it, anyway.
What they might not do, at least often enough, is tell you they love you. Or how much you and your siblings and your mother mean to them. Because, despite the fact that, as a society, we've become much freer with expressing our emotions, well, they're working on that. Get to it right after they climb in the attic and flip the circuit breaker that blew because, well, do you really have to have EVERY electrical appliance plugged into the bathroom?
But they'll say it in lots of ways. They'll say it when they put those insurance cards in the car or when they spend hours in the back yard until you can, at last, throw a baseball with some degree of accuracy. Or when they walk you down the aisle.
They'll say it with a look. They'll say it with a gesture. They may even say it with a flashlight.
Commentary on 06/17/2016