Love and respect 'Bilingual' understanding of love can strengthen marriage

‘Bilingual’ understanding of love can strengthen marriage

Allen Hunt shared the model a man has for loving his wife (and vice versa): “The love Jesus has with the Church,” he said. “Thinking of the interests of others before our own, selflessly giving, sacrificial love.”
Allen Hunt shared the model a man has for loving his wife (and vice versa): “The love Jesus has with the Church,” he said. “Thinking of the interests of others before our own, selflessly giving, sacrificial love.”

Love and respect. That's what couples crave most. But not together.

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Allen Hunt, with help from his wife of 27 years, Anita, talk marriage Jan. 8 at St. Vincent de Paul Catholic Church in Rogers. Hunt, representing the Dynamic Catholic organization, titled his presentation “Passion and Purpose for Marriage,” focusing on how to make a healthy and happy marriage through faith and understanding one’s spouse.

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Tom Peters (from left), with his wife Karen Peters, and Gabe Parrill, with his wife Brenda Parrill, speak to their spouses in an excercise at the end of a session Hunt. Hunt said he had couples talk 60 seconds side by side to make sure they were connecting over the information.

"We need different things," said Allen Hunt. Men crave and need the respect of women, and women need to feel love, he said.

Hunt spoke Jan. 8 at St. Vincent de Paul Catholic Church in Rogers in a program presented by Dynamic Catholic, a company working to develop resources to renew the Catholic Church in America. His presentation, "Passion and Purpose for Marriage," focused on how to make a healthy and happy marriage through faith and understanding your spouse. Hunt discussed his program during a phone interview Wednesday.

Hunt's program focused on a couple of aspects of marriage: What women really need to know about men, and what men really need to know about women.

Hunt explained the "five love languages" identified by Gary Chapman, a pastor and marriage counselor, in his 1992 book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chapman's languages: words of affirmation; quality time; receiving gifts; acts of service known as devotion; and physical touch or intimacy.

Chapman also writes that a spouse should not use the love languages he (0r she) likes the most, but rather the love languages that the spouse can receive. For example, the wife might need regular hugs to feel loved (physical touch), but the husband would prefer she cook a special meal for him (acts of service).

"Women need to understand that men do love them, we just don't articulate it well," Hunt said. "Nearly every man will agree that he wishes his wife knew how much he really loves her. Men really do love you, but we just don't communicate it well."

St. Paul described love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, Hunt said.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

"Paul said husbands should love their wives, but wives should respect their husbands," Hunt said. "What they crave is your respect. Those are two different words that have the most power.

"So men should tell women they love them, and wives should tell their husbands, 'I'm proud of you.'"

But to really love a spouse as God designed, "we must think in their language rather than our own," Hunt said.

A marriage is the most intimate, longest-lasting relationship most people will have, Hunt noted. "And sometimes, we're not the best version of ourselves -- and our spouses aren't the best version of themselves."

In these instances, many spouses decide to give their significant others the benefit of the doubt. "Instead of retaliating, instead of holding on to that thoughtless word he said ... you say, 'I know he loves me, and I know he wants what's best for the family and for me and for the relationship.'

"Being annoyed is not helpful," Hunt continued. "Don't obsess over the three bad things he said, but recognize those 95 good things he did.

"So you not only love your partner, but you must extend forgiveness."

Forgiveness is the most important word in a marriage -- even more important than love, Hunt said.

The model a man has for loving his wife (and vice versa) is the love Jesus has with the Church, Hunt said, and he gave examples: "Thinking of the interests of others before our own, selflessly giving, sacrificial love.

"It's how that love was embodied by Jesus -- genuine love, giving love; in the church, we call it agape love. That's the nuts and bolts of the language of love for both men and women.

"Jesus is the greatest example we have of love," Hunt continued. "God calls us to marriage and relationships with other people, those in the world around us, people we don't even know."

"In the Catholic Church marriage is viewed as a sacrament, that is, a lifelong union between a man and a woman that is blessed with the presence of Christ," said Monsignor David LeSieur, pastor of St. Vincent de Paul in a statement provided by the church.

By listening to these love languages and learning them, a person can build "healthy, healthful relationships with your parents, your coworkers, your neighbors ...," Hunt said.

"When we are transformed by the grace of God in Holy Spirit, that impacts how we interact with others."

Karen Peters, adult information coordinator for St. Vincent de Paul, helped organize the event, and admitted she couldn't listen to the entire program. But her husband did, "and he said it was really good stuff," Peters said.

"It's things you think you know that seem really different when brought to life," she said of Hunt's information.

"... Marriage is not easy, and couples can benefit from retreats and programs that focus on the couple's relationship, the basics of communication, mutual support and forgiveness," LeSieur's statement continued. "The program presented by Dr. Alan Hunt was a focused, three-hour evening event that featured humor and good advice on how to maintain (or recapture) the joy of a committed married life. Couples of all ages were present, even a couple in their 55th year of life together."

NAN Religion on 01/16/2016

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