Commentary: A few minutes of your time...

It’s political season, so that means telephone polls

This is why I seldom get called more than once by political polling organizations:

The phone rings at the lovely and completely average Smith Abode. That's the myth we like to spin, anyway, and the home is therefore certainly a reasonable representation of millions of other Americans, at least in the eyes of political pollsters.

Me: "Hello?"

Voice On The Other End: "Is this Mr. Smith?"

Me: "Well, it's not Adele. Can I help you?"

VOTOE: "Sir, I'm Stan/Biff/Larry/Gretchen/Ivan/Bubba from the SWAG Political Polling Service, and we're surveying likely voters to help us get a feel for the upcoming election. Is this a good time?"

Me: "Does anyone ever say 'yes' to that?"

VOTOE: "There're always a first, and the search continues. Let me rephrase. Is this a less-horrible-than-usual time to interrupt whatever you're doing, which was probably some variation of 'nothing?'"

Me: "Well, since you were nice about it, sure. Whatcha got?"

VOTOE: "OK, first, we need to establish to whom we're talking. Are you the head of the household?"

Me: "If that's a largely symbolic title, like 'the King of Spain,' then, yes. The person actually in charge is indisposed at the moment, monitoring the tense electioneering between an ever-shrinking field of cutthroat operatives, all with a clear vision of a brighter future, who are vying to win it all."

VOTOE: "Watching a presidential debate?"

Me: "No, she's catching up on 'The Bachelor.' Apparently one of the blondes is being mean to one of the other blondes while another blonde defends her."

VOTOE: "That sounds horrible."

Me: "And explains why this phone call isn't the worst possible thing I could be doing right now."

VOTOE: "Imagine my enthusiasm. OK, let's just jump into the questions. How closely have you been following the upcoming elections?"

Me: "If pausing on CNN for a second before switching channels to any possible sporting event, up to and including tractor pulls or equestrian, qualifies as 'following,' then I'm an expert."

VOTOE: "Strangely enough, it does. So who will you vote for?"

Me: "Beats me. To be honest, they've all sort of morphed together into a mass of people in good suits trying to look like they fit in at a diner they normally wouldn't be caught dead in because it doesn't feature a wine list, finger bowls and some kind of exotic, probably endangered fish.

"They appear to have mastered the art of manufacturing a level of anger completely disproportional to whatever they've decided to get angry about, which was probably correct in the first place. And they're doing it for the sole purpose of getting something they really do want somewhere down the line. If I want to see that, I'll just watch NCAA basketball coaches protest foul calls."

VOTOE: "So how will you decide?"

Me: "Well, I've done a lot of studying, and after exhaustive research, I've narrowed it down to two choices. I'll either cut cards or flip a coin."

VOTOE: "I'm pretty sure they won't let you take a deck of cards into a voting booth."

Me: "Then 'coin flip' it is. After all, this is America. We always get to carry spare change. And, for some strange reason, a gun. But that's another poll, I'm sure."

VOTOE: "So you wouldn't think of yourself as an informed voter?"

Me: "In most countries, no. However, since I can identify Indiana on a map, am not sure exactly who "Snookie" is, but do know that Joe Biden is the vice president of the United States and think it more likely Judge Judy would be a member of the Supremes than the Supreme Court, I'm apparently qualified to be a political analyst on a major news network."

VOTOE: "Seriously?"

Me: "OK, maybe you're right. I'd actually be over-qualified."

VOTOE: "This terrifies me."

Me: "As well it might, even if you weren't calling me from India or the Caribbean. But knowledgeable voters haven't always exactly been a hallmark of our electoral system, and, for the most part, we've staggered through somehow. Despite almost constant promises of the demise of the Union by the losers, whoever wins the presidential election will probably not take the whole thing to Hell in a hand basket. And in a significant bit of irony, the winner will probably appear sane and reasonable when compared to the crew vying for the job in four to eight years."

VOTOE: "That still sounds like a terrible way to pick the leader of the Free Word."

Me: "Could be worse. The winner could get a rose."

Commentary on 02/12/2016

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