I was at the mall the other weekend (I would pretend I was drugged and dropped there as part of a terrorist plot, but that wouldn't explain the security camera video that showed me parking, then later forgetting where I put the car). While I was there, I realized the secret to shopping is understanding terminology.
Seriously, knowing what the signs, sales people and even your spouse are actually saying during the experience will make the experience, if not less painful, at least more clear.
For instance ...
• "Additional parking available in the overflow lot" -- The "overflow lot" is the auto storage version of "the farm," that happy place pets went to live when they started having accidents on the new carpet. In other words, it doesn't really exist, but we want to believe it does because it makes us feel better.
• "Slim Fit" -- Use of the word "fit" implies something that hasn't actually been proven to be true. At a certain point, most of us are not "slim fit" people. The only problem is that the rest of the world recognizes this before we do.
Most pants come with tags: slim fit pants ought to come with warning labels. And they should say something to the effect that if you've having trouble getting this over your foot, at no point should you try to zip them. Although doing so may change your spot in the choir and is probably covered under changes made to your insurance policy.
• "Classic Fit"-- Double meaning here. Meaning A is that the pants are right next to "Slim Fit" on the display table and worlds away when it comes to actual wear-ability. In fact, the labels should read "Slim Fit" and "Anyone Who Has Ever Eaten Pizza."
Meaning B is "expensive." Which categorizes the article of clothing but doesn't quite explain why a grey sweatshirt at certain stores costs more than a good set of golf clubs. "Classic" clothing is often made from somewhat exotic animals you didn't know existed or provided any greater degree of comfort than their more domesticated cousins. Apparently, Mongolian Lambs' Wool is "classic." If you're Genghis Khan.
• "Can I help you?" -- This can be translated as "I can't help you. You're older than 35, you refer to the social network platform as 'Tweeter' and every time someone mentions 'The Cloud' you look up like all your photos are being stored in a lock box behind the Pearly Gates. Whatever phone or tablet I sell you you're going to mess up unless one of your children fixes it for you. Which is OK, because you'll probably lose it anyway and you were just using it to take pictures of your right index finger. And no, I don't want to hear that virtual reality devices are really just View Masters.
• "I'll check in the back" -- This is translated as "We don't have it, but I get to disappear for a while until you get bored and settle on something else. It's the holiday shopping season. Every single item of inventory we have has been shoved on a rack somewhere on the sales floor in the sometimes vain hope you'll get desperate enough for a present for Aunt Ernestine that you'll buy anything.
"The only thing behind those doors is a break room with a malfunctioning microwave and a fridge full of half-eaten takeout Chinese that's been there since the Boxer Rebellion. So, no, we don't have it in another size, another color or with a different Disney Princess on it. But I'll wander back there while you hope for a Christmas miracle and I hope no one ate the last of the divinity from the snack tray someone brought in for Thanksgiving."
• "It might be available online" -- This is just like "I'll check in the back," but with less pretending.
• "No, Honey, I don't mind while you try a few things on" -- This what it says when the store has incredible WiFi and my Fantasy Football running back is about to score.
• "Sure, try the red, too" -- "He's at the 50, he's at the 45, it looks like he could go all the way ..."
• "Fine, fine, looks great whatever" -- Fumble, and I'm heading to the food court to drown my sorrows in Holiday Mint Blizzard Mocha Santa Smoothies. Whatever those are ...
• "You saved $100!" -- Of course, you would have saved $140 if you hadn't come in here in the first place. But you just would have blown that on Holiday Mint Blizzard Mocha Santa Smoothies and a cheap drone that is going to be sending back great videos of your roof, at least until the batteries go dead."
"Merry Christmas" -- This means "Only 16 more shopping days. See you next Saturday."
Commentary on 12/09/2016